TURN POWER STRUGGLES INTO TEAMWORK

Save hours of nagging by overcoming the battle of wills in five simple ways.

Do daily power struggles wear you into the ground? Do you surrender because your energy is utterly depleted, or do you turn into a raging bull, saying and doing things you wish you had never done? Wouldn’t it be amazing if there was a magic formula to remedy these situations?

Well, there is. Not one that assures every challenge will disappear, but one that understands child behaviour and human need so well that it will minimise power struggles. This method prevents remnants of bitterness as it adopts respectful communication. The aim is to develop a spirit of cooperation in your child. This approach is based on the work of adultchild communication experts and authors Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. When we are faced with a problem, we need to understand it in order to solve it. The same is true for your child. If you call her names: “You are like an animal. Your room looks like a pig sty,” or lecture her: “Do you think it’s a good way to treat your clothes, throwing them on the floor?” or threaten her: “I won’t buy you clothes anymore because you don’t know how to look after anything,” you lose the opportunity to empower your child to see the problem, find a solution and learn to prevent it in the future.

Teaching our children right from wrong is a vital role as a parent, but it is only part of it. We need to go one step further and show our children how to get from wrong to right. Here are five simple steps that help you grow your child’s sense of independence, responsibility and awarenes.

FEELING SHAME MAKES IT DIFFICULT TO THINK ABOUT POSITIVE SOLUTIONS. PROVIDING INFORMATION ALLOWS YOUR CHILD TO SOLVE PROBLEMS.

SHOW, DON’T TELL

Focus on drawing a picture of the problem for your child. State what you see rather than criticise her character or behaviour so that you enable your child to focus her attention on how to solve the problem. Criticising her behaviour breaks down her confidence and leaves her with a need to defend herself rather than act constructively.

THINK WORDS NOT SENTENCES

When you want to communicate in an effective manner with your children in terms of getting things done – less is more. Consider these two approaches: “Every night I have to nag and nag you to go to bed. It is 7pm, and that is bedtime. How many times do I have to tell you the same thing? I am so tired of you being so slow. Get off the couch and march upstairs right now. I mean it!” or, “Jessica, bed!”

It’s easy to see which one is more effective to a person with a short concentration span and ability to think on a very practical concrete level. Don’t waste your breath. Play it smart.

IMPART WISDOM

If you don’t let your child know what the expectations are, you become a nag. Think about the implications of these two statements, “You are so messy, always leaving your crayons all over the floor,” or, “Crayons belong in the pencil case.” Feeling shame makes it difficult to think about positive solutions. Providing information allows your child to solve problems.

USE A PICTURE

A picture speaks a thousand words. If you find you are often entering power struggles with your child over the same things, find a symbol to represent what you need done. Draw it on a post-it note, and stick it up in an appropriate place as a reminder. Make it as humorous as possible. For example, if packing the cereal box in the cupboard after pouring some into a bowl is a struggle, tape a picture on the box of the box crying while sitting on the kitchen table and laughing and smiling when in the cupboard. Your child will giggle at the picture and pop the box in the cupboard without you having to say a word. Don’t demand cooperation, teach it. It’s a skill. And like all skills, it requires practice. In the long run, your patience today will mean you require less patience in the future.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS

Feelings always come to the fore in our interactions, particularly with our children. This can lead to deep disappointment and frustration when they don’t live up to the expectations or high standards we set for them. We need to ensure that, as we teach them life skills such as cooperation, we don’t leave them feeling like failures. To avoid the feeling of failure, we need to address emotions rather than ignore or shun them. To address emotions, be honest about your own. Remember these principles:

■ USE “I” INSTEAD OF “YOU” STATEMENTS

■ EXPRESS YOUR HONEST FEELINGS

■ WATCH YOUR BODY LANGUAGE. Ensure it is open and not aggressive.

■ DON’T ATTACK YOUR CHILD’S BEHAVIOUR OR NATURE. For example, it’s destructive to say, “You always hit me on the arms. I hate that.

You are so aggressive.” Rather say, “I don’t like to be banged on my arm. It feels uncomfortable and makes me angry. Please say, ‘excuse me’ if you want my attention.” The first statement is filled with anger and is hurtful to your child. The second makes your feelings known without the threat of attack or your child having to deal with anger directed at her. This enables her to hear the message and take on the lesson. Of course, because young children have so many life lessons thrown their way each day, you may well need to repeat this statement a number of times before your child’s behaviour changes. ●