HELP! a baby having We’re

Worried about what you’re going to do once your baby arrives? We’ve got you! WHAT IF MY BABY SUDDENLY STOPS BREATHING?

It’s all incredibly exciting, finally having met your baby after all these months of pregnancy and knowing that you can get him home to start your new life as a family. But that’s the thing, isn’t it? You suddenly realise taking your baby home means you’re responsible for absolutely everything to do with that tiny newborn, and it can be a scary and overwhelming situation. These new-mom fears are all part and parcel of having a baby. “It’s a normal reaction to be nervous when presented with a new situation. Being a parent for the first time can be nerveracking and intimidating. You don’t want to make mistakes, and that can cause a lot of anxiety,” explains Joburg-based registered counsellor Emma Shabangu. The best way to face these fears, she adds, is to share your feelings with your friends, family or other first-time parents and surround yourself with a good support network who encourages you. It also helps to unpack some of the things that make you feel the most anxiety, which is what we’ve done here with the most common newmom fears.

WHAT IF I DON’T BOND WITH MY BABY?

Sometimes, those overwhelming feelings of love and protection take time, but if you feel like you just can’t or don’t want to bond with your baby, you must seek the help of a counsellor or medical professional urgently. “This is a major indicator of post-partum depression,” says clinical psychologist Jeanine Lamusse. “Know and accept that having postpartum depression is not evidence that you’re a bad mom – in fact, acknowledging you have it is being a good mom.”

WILL I EVER BE A GOODENOUGH PARENT?

The short answer is that you’ll be the parent your child needs you to be, even if you feel there are times you could do better. “I read somewhere that for our child to have a healthy connection with us, we only need to attend to their cues correctly 30 percent of the time – so we have lots of leeway to mess up. “A good-enough parent has to mess up, because if we don’t expose our kids to stress, they’ll never learn how to deal with the stressors of life,” Jeanine says.

“In my line of work, I have seen that a good-enough parent is one who cares for themself enough they have emotional resources to give.” And, as Emma adds, “No one holds a degree in parenting – it’s a learning experience. When you feel like you’re not good enough, when fear of failure takes hold of you, speak out and ask for help. You’ll be surprised how many other parents have felt the same way.”

WILL I EVER FEEL LIKE MYSELF AGAIN?

No you won’t – and that’s okay. “Giving birth and taking full responsibility for another human being will surely change you.

“You will have to learn patience and kindness, be understanding and more – all this can bring a whole new person out of you. The way to deal with change is to accept it, embrace it, and then everything else falls into place,” Emma says. Remember, you’re adding another aspect to your overall identity – that of mother. “What can make this identity shift easier to manage is to remember that being a parent is only one facet of your being. You have other facets too, and to not lose touch with those facets, you need to engage with them,” Jeanine says.

“Create space to go out with your friends, be a wife and daughter, take up a hobby or do something just for you.”

Many a parent has spent precious hours watching the rise and fall of their baby’s chest instead of catching up on muchneeded rest. While this is a common worry, it’s one that you can work through. “Educate yourself about the small percentage of babies who die of SIDS and the risk factors, so that you can realistically assess the chance of it happening to your child. Then, take preventative measures, like breathing detectors and monitors or first aid courses,” Jeanine advises.

“All we can do is assess what we can control in the here and now and accept the limits of our control.”

Doing your best to manage what is in your power to control and letting go of what you can’t is the kind of strategy to use when it comes to anything that makes you feel anxious about looking after your baby, whether that’s bathing, clipping his nails, letting someone else hold him, taking him out for the first time or even leaving him to sleep.

HOW AM I GOING TO COPE WHEN I GO BACK TO WORK?

“You won’t be able to balance parenting and work perfectly. In fact, balance will become redefined in your role as a working mom,” Jeanine explains. “Being a supermom is a fantasy, so I would encourage moms to let go of unrealistic expectations of themselves in this process.” Basically, all you can do is your best. Focus on your priorities, and don’t judge yourself too harshly if you can’t do it all, all the time.

She also believes that finding trustworthy childcare is the most important factor in managing your anxiety around returning to work.

When you know your child is being cared for by someone you trust completely, you can go to work without the added stress of worrying about his happiness and safety. If the thought of going back to work is really haunting you, it might be a good idea to chat to someone about it beforehand. “See a counsellor to talk about your anxieties. This will help bring your worries into the conscious mind, so that you can better deal with them and find solutions,” Emma says.

BEING A SUPERMOM IS A FANTASY. LETGOOF UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS IN THIS PROCESS OF GETTING TO KNOW YOUR BABY.