Waiting for the day I am a millionaire
HAVING ignored the bright yellow viral threat alert and opened a recent WhatsApp document entitled ‘How to Make Million of Dollar from Your Home’, I made some notes off this truly inspired piece written by one Prince Ta’chika, transferred the prerequisite funds into a Nigerian bank account to start my assured journey into wealth, and was then re-directed to another page with the heading ‘Days of the Year’.
I thought I knew what the days of the year were already, but it’s never a good idea to be too sure in your knowledge of anything.
Complacency is the devil’s playground (that’s something I learnt from ‘How to Make Million of Dollar from You Home’), there’s always room to grow. And, being a slow Wednesday, I decided to read on and expand my already vast knowledge.
It turns out I’ve been remiss all these years, thinking that it was only birthdays and anniversaries we should be celebrating.
Who knows how many cultures I’ve offended by not acknowledging the correct rituals and customs overseen by what I can only imagine is a certified, authenticated international ‘Days of the Year’ committee established for the enhancement of humanity?
I’m ashamed I even considered not clicking on the link.
The virus that now turns all my messages into Slovakian is just a small price to pay for the knowledge I’ve gained from this informative piece of writing.
Take, for instance, 21 January. All my life I thought this was just another hellish January day.
I would most likely be found, on 21 January, licking the interior foil packaging of my empty box wine as I counted down the seconds to 25 January when my bank balance would finally have something besides a minus sign next to the numbers.
When, in actual fact, I should’ve been hunting the streets of Stellenbosch, kicking hippies out my way while in search of a fluffy-tailed rodent to hug as I celebrated Squirrel Appreciation Day.
Although, having squozen that squirrel, I would have had to race back home so as not to miss the allimportant 22 January celebration – Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day.
I feel like this could easily have been called ‘Reaping the Benefits of Having a Cat Who Can Talk
Day’, but who am I to question the knowledge, insight and experience of our ‘Days of the Year’ elders?
So, instead I must spend the day watching my cat lick her nethers while I eagerly await her first question, which will undoubtedly be something along the lines of ‘Could you go away?’ …although using much more colourful language.
And who knew that 25 January isn’t just pay day? It’s actually Opposite Day, so I should’ve paid someone else instead.
I’m just mortified that I let 5 February go by without showing some love to even one storm chaser on National Weatherperson’s
Day. Although, I’m not sure there are any weatherpersons around anymore since that American fellow left eNCA.
Maybe I’ll just kiss my weather app. It has about a 35% chance of getting the weather predictions right 100% of the time.
Those are great odds. Probably quite a bit higher than the odds of me making any money with Prince Ta’chika.
I’m so looking forward to Awkward Moments Day when
I can celebrate all those times I said goodbye to someone, only to continue walking in the same direction as them for the next five minutes while avoiding eye contact.
Or every time I meet a kid’s parent in the parking lot and have to avoid the fact that I still don’t know their name, but it’s gone on for too long for me to ask now.
Or every time I got off an elevator that I knowingly crop dusted, only to leave those poor people trapped inside for the next six floors. These are the moments I will celebrate on 18 March.
Some days will always be easier to celebrate (Chocolate Covered Anything Day…Fruitcake Toss Day…Waffle Day), and some will be a bit tougher (Be Kind to a Lawyer Day…Honesty Day…Put a Pillow in Your Fridge Day), but I feel that we owe it to our elders to celebrate every day equally.
Because, soon enough, Prince Ta’chika and I will be celebrating 20 May every day. Be a Millionaire Day.