When you’re dealing with the biggest deck
ACE. Magashule. Asbestos Ace. What a man. What a politician. What a blow. To think that his final trump card was actually a Trump card. Who could’ve seen it coming?
For those of you who missed out on South Africa’s political version of D’ace of our Lives, the ANC’s Secretary General, Elias Sekgobelo ‘Ace’ Magashule has gone just a hair over the line of legality these past few years, and it’s impacting his political career somewhat.
Ace and his pack are facing 74 charges of fraud, theft, corruption, money laundering and asbestos contraventions. 74. That’s even more years than he’s been on the planet.
And, following in the footsteps of every corrupt politician who’s been caught red-handed, Ace tried to tap dance his way out of facing disciplinary measures within the party itself, and adopt the Stalingrad tactics until they all died of old age. Which has to be pretty soon. In what can only be described using another Soviet Union comparison, as Ace’s 30-day time limit came to a close, a Cold War-esque frost descended the ruling party, with Ace taking on big Papa Cyril in a fight for the heart of the ANC... and the country.
And then he played his Trump card.
Ace issued a letter to the big man, the leader of the Rainbow Nation and head of the slowest vaccine roll-out since the great polio outbreak of ’52, telling him that – in fact – it was not Ace who was to be suspended. No. It was actually Cyril who was to face the ultimate suspension. Why? Because Ace said so. It was a unilateral decision, and one he had not come upon lightly.
Look, even Ace must’ve known it was a long shot, but can you imagine it actually worked? Anarchy would reign supreme. We’d have the whole contingent of retrenched journalists arriving at SABC and mainstream newspapers saying, in fact, it was their bosses who were getting the boot and not them (which wouldn’t be such a bad idea). We’d have teen louts going to school and putting the headmaster in detention. Husbands would start trying to tell their wives what to do. It would be a veritable bloodbath.
But, not unexpectedly, it wasn’t Cyril who was thrown out on his uys, but the SG himself. And considering the guy looks like a cross between a 1960s bond villain and something created in a Pixar studio, it’s not an entirely surprising turn of events. The man is so creatively cunning he was teaching Putin a few tricks.
However, it’s not just the fact that we’ll no longer have the threat of President Ace hanging over our heads that really cheers me up about this whole debacle. It’s that we won’t have to put up with the insipid attempts by the DA and media drones to use incessant puns in their one-liners and headlines. No longer will it be: ‘ANC’s Ace in the pack’
‘Ace is back in spades’
‘Ace is dealt a real blow’
‘The Ace has been discarded’
‘The only Ace in your pack is a joker’ (Oh, John Steenhuisen. Leave already).
‘Misplaced Ace makes disgrace to races’
‘Something fishy about Octopus Teacher Oscar’ (They’re not all about Ace)
While he misplayed his hand, Ace is by no means out of the game. And even if this Ace disappears, there are at least three more hidden in the pack. A cabinet shuffle here. Add some new cards to the fold. It’s a high stakes game and who knows which way this will play out? All we know is that at least Cyril’s not playing with his mask around his eyes this time.