The search for South Africa’s ‘secret weapon’ is on and the finalists are ...
WITH all the looting, fires, pandemics, Nazis, anti-vaxxers, anti-Neil Youngers and antichrists dominating the news cycle, we’ve all lost focus of what actually matters in the world today.
And that is: who will be the next James Bond? Will it be Idris Alba? Tom Hardy? Regé-Jean Page?
Kate Middleton? Arnold Vosloo? Duduzane Zuma? Helen Zille?
We’ve got to cast a wide net. The world is changing. Gender is not what it used to be. Your sexuality is now something you include on your CV, even though no one – and I mean no one – cares.
It’s even illegal now to shoot men who wear jeans with slops, despite it being a crime against humanity and an affront on everyone with functioning eyeballs.
But back home in Mzansi, we have our own ‘James Bond’ search going on in the form of the upcoming ANC leadership elections. These are set to take place at the culmination of the third instalment of our pandemic trilogy (December 2022) and will be closely monitored by the survivors of the jeans-with-slops brigade, gender fluids, pansexuals, and everyone with nothing better to do. So, most of government.
Our first contender is Lindiwe ‘Diamonds are Forever’ Sisulu,
who has overshot the mark by crapping on the Constitution about 11-and-a-half months too soon. Everyone knows you only start the mudslinging politics like a week before the election, otherwise you’ll soon be usurped by news of ‘Who wore it best? Bette Midler or her cat?’ But we’ll give Miss Moneypenny a chance and rate her nonetheless:
Special Skils :
· Daughter of activists · Plagiarism
· Daughter of activists · Inability to be fired · Woman
Rating: 5*
Next on the list is Fikile ‘Goldenballs’ Mbalula
whose position in politics is as unfathomable as people who date men wearing jeans with slops. But it’s these mysterious creatures who do nothing but blow hot air out of every orifice, that somehow climb their way to the upper echelons, donning berets and Gucci loafers while shooting at us from the ivory tower.
Special Skils :
· Retaining top ministerial positions in police, sport and transport without any discernible understanding of all three.
· Breaking the country’s one driving licence printing machine and blaming the repairs’ delay on the Germans. Because Germany, unlike Africa, is renowned for its lack of timekeeping skills.
Rating: 3*
Third in line is David ‘Octopussy’ Mabuza, a man who really takes the secrecy part of his spy work seriously. And the generous donations part. And the licence to kill part. Despite what he’s been through, this pussy is never shaken, nor is he stirred.
Special Skils :
· Assassination plotting · Landing on his feet · Surviving poison attempts · Catlike reflexes · 007 lives Rating: 8*
There’s big talk about those outside the ANC big leagues coming in to take the number one spot, with the name of Cyril’s brother-in-law Patrice ‘The World is Not Enough’ Motsepe being bandied about. Because when has a billionaire becoming president ever not been a bad idea? America did it. And what would this analogy be without some reference to ‘From Russia with Love’?
Special Skils :
· Money · Cronyism
Finally, we have Duduzane ‘Licence to Kill’ Zuma who has the suave look down, but might need some driving tips if he’s going to land the gig. His life actually has almost all the elements of a great Star Wars story – he has a twin sister, his mother died, his father started out good but lost his way to the dark side. The only problem with this trilogy is that Lukezane also chose the dark side and will keep fighting for the Empire, probably wearing a mask.
Special Skils :
· Attended a good school
· Knows how to push a wheelbarrow (according to social media).
Rating: 6*
It’s a tough competition but the stakes are high. This position could well be the last time an ANC leader gets to play with all the cars, planes, weaponry and gadgets afforded the country’s top villain, I mean president. Fortunately for most of these contenders, they’ve really nailed the ‘secret’ part of ‘secret intelligence’.
*Please note that all ratings are out of 100.