What about Mike Bolhuis as the next Commisioner of Police, Mr President?

DEAR Uncle Squirrel I trust this letter will find you and that you and your herd of horny Ankole cows are doing well.

So you’ve finally found the pistachio nuts to fire that inept malingerer which your predecessor, old butternut head, appointed as police commissioner.

Does that mean you have a vacancy in the Men in Blue department?

No, I don’t want the job.

If I really must I’ll rather join Fidelity Guards because the baddies are actually a bit wary of them and their vans are always working – that is if they’re not blown up of course.

Or even the Men in Black as they take no nonsense from illegal aliens.

I would like to, however, make some suggestions because I don’t want you to make the Cele mistake over and over, or even worse, another Selebe of a screw up.

Uncle Squirrel, since your men in blue have become more bark than bite, my dog has been doing a fair job of protecting my house and belongings and I don’t even have to bribe him to do it, so I would’ve lent it to you but I think he would bite Julius because he doesn’t get along well with noisy children.

But what about someone like that Mike Bolhuis fellow as our next police commissioner?

He’s already doing much of your men in blue’s work:

The 1983 table top haircut aside, he’s so skilled at finding things that I’ll bet he’ll find the stolen land, even if it was smuggled out of the country to China.

Golly Uncle Squirrel, we can get Mike to solve many of the mysteries we are currently faced with:Like why has Home Affairs only been online for 30 minutes since it was connected back in 2003?

And how does the Post Office manage to lose every single item you give them?

If Mike’s not available for the job, what about that lady of Murder, She Wrote?

After all, with SA featuring in the top 10 list of countries where you are most likely to get slaughtered for the contents of your pocket, Jessica Fletcher would be an ideal candidate.

She is a bit on the prehistoric side – 96 years old - but once again I’m willing to put money on it that she will actually solve something without the need for a commission of enquiry or Cuban advisors.

She might even be in better physical shape than most officers in the force.

There’s also Oscar Pistorius.

I hear he’s up for parole, Uncle Squirrel.

Yes he’s got a dark past but you know what they say:

It takes one to catch one, and besides he’s already familiar with the system.

But I’ll leave it up to you to decide, Uncle Squirrel, and trust that you will choose wisely because I’m a tax payer and I like your horny cows.

Hell, even if you make a rottweiler the next police commissioner I will be pleased because at least a rottweiler is smart as well as scary.

I’m really looking forward to your announcement and, before I leave you to deal with more pressing issues, like whether the Post Office should revert to using carrier pigeons, I just want to let you know that I would’ve chosen Mike because I like the hair and would really like to know who stole that farm I should’ve inherited.

PS: Keep an eye on that bunch of RET-ard colleagues of yours.

I suspect they’ve got their eyes on your Ankoles.