Do you want to join FARTU?

AFTER receiving their first few rands from the Tooth Fairy, I won’t be surprised if SA parents tell their children the time has come to look at joining a labour union.

How else do you explain the 225 registered trade unions in this zoo we live in?

There’s a union for just about everything, and I say ‘thing’ because, going through the long list, not all of them are applicable to people who do actual work.

Like the SA Postal Workers’ Union or SAPWU (catchy acronym).

Losing letters and parcels is just being useless, and for that you don’t need a union - just an IT system that is never online or phones that don’t work.

The same can be said of the various unions representing police officers like SAPU and POPCRU (more catchy acronyms).

Do you really need a labour representative when the hardest part of your working day is having to sit in an office twiddling your thumbs because all of your vehicles are in for repair?

That there’s money in unionism is not a trade secret - just ask President Ramaphosa.

He will tell you that the easiest way into the Nouveau Riche Club is to become a union president or secretary.

But to become a proper champagne socialist, Dom Pérignon in one hand and a list of members’ plights in the other, you need big numbers – as many members as possible or you won’t be taken seriously by the slave masters, and your union will be a flop.

Take the Young Nurses’ Indaba Trade Union aka YNITU for instance.

The first mistake YNITU made was calling itself YNITU; a real jawbreaker to pronounce and not nearly as catchy as, let’s say, SATAWU or NUM.

YNITU’s second mistake was to represent only young nurses instead of middle-aged nurses, male nurses, old nurses, face nurses etc.

Like I said, unions are a numbers game.

But seeing that union leaders are mostly outspoken leaders supported by easily-swayed, pliable followers, one has to ignore YNITU’s

‘robust, radical and militant’ way of thinking as detailed in their manifesto.

In a country where the labour union membership figure has long since surpassed the employment rate, is there room for another FARTU or HOBOS United?

Are there enough half-bricks to go around, places left to strike at, rubbish bins with enough trash in them to make them worth flipping over and burning?

Sure there are, and I have some explosive tips for the up-andcoming champagne socialist:

Like I said, labour unions are a numbers game so find lot of people who earn money but are not represented.

Poachers?

It’s hard work wiping out rhinos or depleting fish stocks and I bet their working conditions don’t comply with health and safety regulations.

All jobs matter!

Also, going through the 225 local unions, I couldn’t help but notice that educators are well represented by various half-brick institutions, but students not at all.

I bet our young and upcoming 30 percenters will appreciate someone negotiating a lower pass rate for them every other year.

Then, when they grow up, they can go work for the Tooth Fairy.