Just putting the ‘a$$’ in harassment
THE Department of Employment and Labour is really trying it’s hardest - not to create opportunities for employment and labour as one might expect - but rather to annoy those currently employed and labouring to the point they’d rather be back in lockdown trying to teach their kids algebra, sober, than re-enter the workplace.
This department, like all government departments, is desperately attempting to appear ‘woke’ and, rather than focusing on work that would actually help people, is coming up with ‘don’t sell cooked chicken’ rules that just force people straight to the ‘cooked chicken’ black market.
The Department of Dingleberries recently gazetted a code of good practice aimed at eliminating harassment in the workplace. Of course, there is rampant harassment in workplaces the world over that needs to be addressed. I mean, just yesterday my cat took over my office chair while I went to top up my wine – an act in clear violation of the ‘No Stealsies if it’s Under 5 Minutes Act’ which we gazetted in February of 2020.
A date for the hearing is still to be set. And while such grievous acts of hierarchical aggression cannot be condoned, one does have to question some of the current ‘acts of harassment’ outlined in the
Code of Conduct.
The first one I have to question is eye rolling. Eye rolling! I can’t even read the regulation without rolling my eyes. I actually suffer from a clinically diagnosed eye condition whereby I absolutely have to roll my eyes if I’m forced to listen to a colleague tell me a story about how their intellectually superior seven-year-old is being held back by teachers who can’t see his natural brilliance. My eyes will actually fall out of their sockets if not rolled in such a scenario.
I mean, what other reaction is there – other than eye rolling – when Four-kids Carol starts on her anti-vaxxer rant about how the government is trying to track her (bowel?) movements through the vaccine, and we’d all be fine if we just put Ivermectin on our cereal? Honestly, it’s either an eye roll or a punch in the nose, and I’m pretty sure that constitutes harassment. Unless HR is going to allow me to drink wine at 9am when listening to this conspiracy drivel, they’re going to have to relax on the eye rolling police.
Then there’s ‘condescending eye contact’. How do you even police this? All eye contact I have with every person I encounter has some level of well-placed condescension – especially in the workplace! You can’t eliminate this with a Code of Conduct. It’s like having a twinkle in your eye, it’s just part of one’s joie de vie.
‘Negative gossip’ and ‘Mimicking to ridicule’ had me simultaneously eye rolling with condescension in both eyes.
Firstly, is it even possible to gossip if not negatively? ‘Did you hear that Pam is sleeping with the boss? Apparently, she’s really, really good at it though. Good for Pam!’ And mimicking without the intention to ridicule? I feel like if you can pull this off you should get a Code of Conduct badge for a day or the option to eye roll for a week without any repercussions.
Sarcasm. We’re not allowed to sarcasm at work now. Well, that’s a great idea if ever I heard one.
You might as well make drinking wine unlawful because sarcasm is an essential coping mechanism to survive in the workplace.
‘Pressuring an employee to engage in illegal activities’ is a tricky one, especially when I put forward my after-work ‘Bingo with Bongs’ team building idea. I’ll put a pin in that for now.
- Withholding work-related information or supplying incorrect information.
- Deliberately sabotaging someone’s career performance.
…Um, that’s just called climbing the corporate ladder. How else are you supposed to advance in a capitalist society when you’re clearly unfit for the job and your last name isn’t that of a wellknown politician? I’m pretty sure corporate sabotage is actually the first module in the business school curriculum these days.
Anyway, I must dash. In the time I’ve been writing this, my feline colleague has violated at least seven code of conduct rules simply by looking at me… with an extremely condescending brown eye.