On a practical level, marriages are made in Home Affairs, not heaven

AS a registered marriage officer for over 40 years, I’ve probably seen it all when it comes to weddings and there are some memories it’s impossible to erase.

I once officiated at the union of a 17-year-old lass and a rather decrepit looking but extremely wealthy 87-year-old widower, naturally officiated with the approval of the relevant authorities.

It was a match made, if not in heaven, then behind closed doors where she was probably encouraged to make sure he did not survive past the honeymoon.

I may be wrong, but I think she wheeled him down the aisle to the strains of 'Here comes the bread'.

Increasingly over the years, tradition has relaxed and it is a fact that the days of modest, virginal white wedding dresses are few and far between.

Brides are now making a fashion statement along with their vows, and many a bulging cleavage accosts the eyes of the distracted congregation.

And it is not uncommon for a nervous groom to take a little bit of 'medication' to settle the nerves.

I have seen some with nerves so settled, their balance is affected and they are assisted to stand.

These men often require a fair amount of prompting to enable them to respond to brain-taxing questions like: 'Do you take this woman...?'.

The matter is compounded by the many who choose to have the stag party the night before the wedding, and require more make-up than the bride to cover the scars.

A combination of nervousness, anticipation, poor eating during the preparation period, Zululand heat, burning candles (consuming oxygen) and the dread of having to make a speech at the reception, has consequences.

In one instance, a best man suffered quite a serious head wound after fainting and hitting the floor of the stone chapel, but he soldiered on magnificently.

At the same wedding, a bridesmaid came into contact with the unity candle. Her dress caught fire, leading to frantic action.

The best I could do was remark that there was no place at a wedding for old flames.

Many weddings involve young couples whose parents divorced some years before.

They are often easy to spot, as the original mom and dad are 'forced' to stand close together, smilingly, for the photographer.

Try as she may, the jilted mom strives in vain to make the glare on her face look even remotely friendly, especially later when dad dances the whole night away with the young bokkie who replaced her.

There's a romantic notion of a bride arriving at the outdoor wedding mounted on a glorious white stallion - which puts another perspective entirely on the word 'groom'.

In reality, our equine friends have the horsey habit of dropping their wedding 'gifts' at the most poignant of moments and in the most unwelcome of places.

Venues are also unpredictable. That cosy little strip of beachfront that was painstakingly searched for turns out, on the day, to be a place of gale force wind, sand blasting and waves deafeningly pounding onto rocks that were not noticed at the low tide recce.

Never a dull moment, then, when it comes to weddings, whether it's a private, low budget affair with guests you can count on one hand, or a Broadway production with no expense spared.

Sadly, we no longer ask the bride to vow to ‘obey’ him, which has kinda taken the humour out of the service.

Gratefully, we also don’t have to call for any objections, which always led to tense silence, so it’s Cheers! to the bride and gloom.