Sending the pests packing
when it's standing there at a merciless 5 feet 11 inches with a rolled up copy of a newspaper? Although, not Costa News as it's far too precious to be used for insect bashing.
As flies do have memories, they're unlikely to forget attempts on their lives. So, with average lifespans of between two weeks and a month, their behaviour seems needlessly reckless. Or maybe they are mini adrenalin junkies. Do flies have adrenalin?
Why risk life and wing when there are plenty of softer targets, quite literally in some cases. A cow pat isn't going to take a swipe at them or spray their bodies with a can of ultratoxic stuff purchased from the local Chinese shop.
Flies also appear to have only two attack strategies. One is to push pedal to the metal and dive bomb a target at full speed. The second is to go back to exactly the same spot time and again, be it the top of a head, face, arm, hand or leg. Perhaps they think that doing the same thing they've done twenty times before may be the last thing we expect. It is not, which is why they are doomed to fail.
Flies have huge compound eyes that cover most of their head, giving them reasonably good vision and very fast visual responses. Yet seeing one of their mates being turned into an ex-fly doesn't take the fire out of their bellies, and like masochists they wait in line to be thwacked.
Mosquitos on the other hand are a lot smarter and play the 'attack humans' game with much more finesse. The blood sucking critters bide their time, waiting for the most opportune moment to strike.
If a large hand attempts to knock them out of the skies, they have the good sense to beat a hasty retreat. There is no dishonour in hiding in the folds of curtains, on walls and among light fittings while planning to mount a second attack. As they live for up to six months, they can afford to be this patient. Plus, they know the heat will soon send us to sleep and they can fill up their proboscises with our blood without interruption.
However, there is one flaw in their approach, and that's the buzzing sound in your ears that announces their presence. Up until that moment they've got stealth sussed, but their cover is blown at the last minute.
I can be a pretty effective killing machine when I want to, striking down insect hordes with great vengeance and furious anger. My deadly skills were originally honed in the bakery I worked at during my sixth form years.
We had a neat way of dispatching wasps into the hereafter. For some reason, wafting a plastic tray up and down by the window displays put them off crawling over the sticky buns. As they flew out to investigate the cause of the sudden draft, I'd hit them on the head with the tray, sending them spiralling to the ground in an unconscious state. A heavy right foot then finished off the job. With my blood lust up, no insect was safe in the building.
Today, flies don't get much of a look-in when I'm around, although I have yet to come up with such an effective or swift killing technique as the baking tray. But I'm working on it.
According to scientists, some inspect species will be able to survive a nuclear apocalypse. That may be so, but in front of this creepy crawly killer, they've got no chance. Mwa ha ha.