Help and advice
My son stayed out overnight without telling us, why?
Last week, my 15-year-old son stayed out overnight for the first time. The problem is he didn't tell us, and we had a frantic night worrying about him. After not getting any response from his mobile, which must have been switched off, we called around as many of his friends as we could remember.
None of them had seen him since school or had any idea where he might be.
At this stage, we got really frightened and called the police. Initially, they were not too concerned, but as the night wore on, they started to look for him in earnest. We stayed up all night becoming increasingly desperate.
By morning, we were exhausted, but hugely relieved when he walked in calmly at 9.30 and told us he'd stayed with a new friend he'd made at school. When we asked why he'd turned off his phone, he said that he had needed some space, whatever that means.
Relief quickly turned to anger though, and we both chewed him out for being so thoughtless. We also grounded him for a month. Since then, he's been distant with us and no one has mentioned it again. I do still feel angry though. If he had a problem, why didn't he talk to us? L. A.
Fiona says
Perhaps because he feared getting the kind of response he's already had to staying out overnight. I say this not to be flippant, but to suggest that, if this is a cry for help, a grounding and ongoing anger are not going to encourage him to talk about what's bothering him.
What he did was certainly thoughtless but, after the police involvement, I suspect he's already got that message. What's needed now is a way for you to let go of your anger and start a dialogue with him. Explain that you still love him, and that the only reason you got angry before was that you were so frightened and worried about him. Hopefully, if there is a problem, this will make it easier for him to talk about it.
If not, it may be necessary to ask him directly if there is a problem. Avoid phrasing this as a closed question that invites a simple 'yes' or 'no' response. Instead, ask with a question that creates a dialogue, something like: 'You seem worried, talk to me about it'. This may not work at first but if you're patient and persevere, he may come around.
However, you should be prepared for the possibility that he may never be fully open with you about any problems he has. Over time, young people will increasingly seek the advice and support of peers and friends, rather than their parents. Please don't take this personally, it's not a deliberate snub, it's a natural result of growing independence.
To help you navigate through this potentially difficult period, you may find it helpful to visit the 'Communicating with Teenagers' section on the Family Lives website (familylives.org.uk). Finally, let him know that you've no problem with him staying with friends but in future, it might be a good idea to let someone know where he is.
I can’t get over my ex
I separated from the girl I loved two years ago but it's not getting any easier, especially now that she has started seeing a guy I used to work with. He left his wife a few months ago and has already moved in with my ex.
My problem is I still love her and think about her all the time. I had hoped to get back with her but, now that this guy is around, I don't know what to do. Why didn't he try to save his marriage before coming after my ex?
M. T.
Fiona says: You need to accept that she’s moved on
He probably assumed, rightly as it turns out, that this lady was not in a relationship. And I'm afraid this is something that you need to come to terms with too.
It's been two years since your split and nothing you said in your longer letter gives me the impression that this lady had any thoughts of re-starting your relationship.
I'm sorry if this seems harsh but, deep down, I think you know that the time has come to move on. Hanging onto the slim hope of an unlikely reconciliation is preventing you from getting on with your life.
It may not be easy to make a fresh start but if you try to avoid those places where you are most likely to see them together and throw yourself into making new friends, I am sure you can do it. If you struggle to get this process started, please consider talking to a counsellor.