Help and Advice
Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine offers guidance to a couple who have sex problems after having their second baby and lady who's confused because she’s having an affair.
We've stopped having sex since our second baby was born
When I had my second child, 18 months ago, I went off sex completely. It was a difficult, forceps delivery, and whilst sex was uncomfortable for a while it wasn't painful - just nothing at all, to be honest.
I struggled to explain to my husband how I felt, and he tried for a while to persuade me, but after one unpleasant row, he gave up. I never said that I would be like this forever and I hoped he would be patient but now he has stopped even mentioning it.
Just recently he moved into the spare bedroom and I am worried that this means the end of our sex life for good. I do still love him and I'm sure he loves me too, so what has gone wrong and how do I put it right?
R. C.
Fiona says: ‘Talking is going to be the first step’
I can understand why you are concerned - and I suspect your husband isn't happy either but you've both avoided talking rationally about the situation for so long, it's hard to restart the conversation.
You really can't let this continue as it is, so one of you needs to take the first step - and as you're the one expressing your concern, I suggest it's you.
Tell your husband that you love him and that you don't want to be apart from him. Explain that you never intended to avoid sex forever - it was just what you needed at the time. To show you are serious, it may help if you could also arrange to see a counsellor to explore the reasons why you went off sex in the first place. That's something your doctor should be able to refer you to, so make an appointment and get the help your relationship needs.
I'm having an affair and so confused
I've been having an affair for the past year with an amazing man who is interesting to be with and genuinely listens to what I have to say. It feels so good to have a two-way conversation with someone again, as my husband never seems to have any time for me these days - he's far too busy with his job.
I still love my husband, even though I hardly see him, and I felt so guilty about this a while back that I went for two months without seeing my lover. It didn't last though and I am seeing him again, but how do I choose between the two of them?
Is there is any hope for a happy future in all this?
G. H.
Fiona says: ‘You're going to have to make a choice at some point’ Someone is going to be hurt while this situation continues, but whether that is you, your husband or your lover I cannot say. Your current confusion and anxiety are evidence enough that you cannot go on like this - and if you believe that you can have both men, you're only hiding from the inevitable crisis to come.
You are going to have to choose one of them and bear the pain of losing the other. The obvious choice is the man you are currently committed to (and the one you say you love), and that's your husband.
For that relationship to work though, things are going to have to change.
You need to get talking again and start rebuilding the relationship you once had. Your husband needs to understand that, if he values his marriage, he has to make time for you.
Nothing will improve in your marriage if you continue to rely on your affair to provide what is missing from it.