Who do you think you are kidding Covid-19?
MEMBERS of the Home Guard platoon are on parade outside the St Aldhelm’s church hall in Walmington-on-Sea answering the call to join the ‘war effort’ in the fight against the deadly coronavirus pandemic.
Captain Mainwaring inspects his men - who are at attention the recommended ‘social distancing’ apart - before reminding them of the crisis that has swept across Europe and says it was time for the platoon to step up to the mark and join the fight against the common enemy.
He explains the military, including the Home Guard, were to aid the police in the emergency, helping ensure vital supplies reach the shops and to help prevent panic amongst the good people of Walmington.
“They may call us ‘Dad’s Army’ men, but I am sure we will give a good account of ourselves in these testing times ahead. It’ll probably be the end for some of us, but we are ready for that, aren’t we men?”
A Scottish brogue is heard to sarcastically comment 'of course' in a stage whisper. Private Frazer adds: “We’re all doomed. Doomed I say.”
Slightly shuddering, Lance Corporal Jones offers: “Don’t panic! Don’t panic!”
The captain nods sagely. “Precisely, Jones.”
The captain asks Sergeant Wilson to dismiss the parade while he scurries away to ‘phone GHQ for orders. The NCO casually asks the men to listen in, stand at ease and to fall out.
Inside the hall the platoon relaxes and a large teapot fills mugs, the milk and sugar thoughtfully provided to his friends by the ‘wholesale supplier’ Private Walker.
Conversation turns to the scandal of panic buying sweeping the high street and the need to help National Health staff faced with empty shelves and unable to buy fresh food.
Escort
Captain Mainwaring bustles into the hall. “Right men, our job is to head to the Andrex toilet paper warehouse outside and escort a convoy from the wholesaler to the front line.”
Private Pike chirps up: “Will we get to meet those lovely cuddly puppies?”
His officer looks aghast and mutters: “You stupid boy!”
Private Godfrey quietly interjects: “This talk about toilet rolls...please sir, could I be excused?”
Given permission as always, the platoon medic leaves the hall. A few minutes later he scurries back with the news all the toilet paper has vanished worse, it has been commandeered by Chief ARP Warden Hodges.
“Uncle Arthur?” Pike’s voice pipes up again. “Mum says can you bring those packets of toilet paper around tonight when you come for dinner like you promised?”
Captain Mainwaring bristles with rage. “What’s this Wilson? The black market? Panic buying?...
The sergeant offers “Well...” before Private Walker butts in: “Actually sir, they were part of a special offer. You buy a case of good malt whisky and get the bog roll free; it’s a cracking bit of business.”
Pulling a notebook from his tunic pocket and taking a stub of pencil from behind his ear, he asks, “How many cases can I put you down for sir?”
Before the captain can answer, Lance Corporal Jones steps forward: “The butcher’s shop is very busy sir, things flying out the door, but I have Mrs Mainwaring’s braising steak put to one side”...with a wink he adds: “And some special lamb chops too.”
This time the officer turns a bright red but manages to continue, “Now men, I have decided what kit we will need for Operation Andrex...”
Lance Corporal Jones: “Rifles and bayonets sir! They don’t like it up em!”
Walmington-onSea Home Guard mobilised
Wise
Sergeant Wilson: “Do you think that’s wise sir?”
The harassed captain: “No of course not...we’re dealing with civilians Jones; fellow countrymen, British people. We’re just reminding them to bear up and remember their duty for the good of everyone, to sit tight and dig deep.
“However, in order to protect essential supplies to the medical people, I think gas masks may be in order, they could help protect us from this damned virus.”
A general discussion breaks out over the effectiveness of wearing medical masks as protection, with Private Walker offering to get a supply along with latex gloves.
Suddenly, the door swings open and four burley men stride in. “Health and safety,” bellows their leader, “We’ve come to make an inspection.”
Captain Mainwaring: “Now look here; this is a military operation. What do you think you are doing? This is a national emergency.”
Opening a briefcase, the leader replies, “Can’t help that...we have been tipped off by a Warden Hodges there are flagrant breaches of protocol...”
Noticing that Private Pike is parroting each word and doing a very colourful physical impression of him; the leader angrily demands: “And what’s your name son?”
Captain Mainwaring quickly interjects: “Don’t tell him Pike!”
The credits roll.
(With apologies to Dad’s Army co-writers Jimmy Perry and David Croft. The muchloved and repeated BBC comedy originally ran for nine series from 1968 to 1977).