Help and ad­vice

Costa Levante News - - FEATURE -

Colum­nist and trained coun­sel­lor Fiona Caine ad­vises a woman who is hav­ing an af­fair with a mar­ried man and a young cou­ple con­sid­er­ing mar­riage. me again and now I am hurt and ter­ri­fied that this might be for good.

"How can he keep do­ing this to me?"

A. H.

Fiona says it’s time to say good­bye for good!

"Be­cause he's a self­ish, ma­nip­u­la­tive man who is us­ing you for sex and who clearly has no in­ten­tion of ever leav­ing his fam­ily to be with you. I'm sorry if this seems harsh but you've been badly hurt twice al­ready, and you need to un­der­stand that, should he re­turn, he is very likely to do it again.

"Is this re­ally the type of man that you want? Wouldn't you rather have a re­la­tion­ship with some­one who gen­uinely cares for you and who is free to be with you?

"I know that you're hurt­ing but please, for the sake of your self-re­spect, don't let this man back into your life. I'd even en­cour­age you to think about mov­ing to make it less easy for him to find you again. Three years is more than long enough to be treated so badly - so give your­self the Christ­mas present you re­ally need and put him out of your life." "In the New Year, when I am 22, I will have lived with my boyfriend for four years. We have a lovely daugh­ter who is two and a nice flat to­gether, and while we seem happy, I'm wor­ried about the fu­ture.

"I think it's im­por­tant that we get mar­ried, not just be­cause it con­firms our com­mit­ment to each other but also be­cause it would be bet­ter for our daugh­ter. How­ever, he thinks we're too young to go through a mar­riage and gets a bit an­gry when­ever I men­tion it.

"Why is he do­ing this and why can't he see how im­por­tant it is? Should I in­sist on it?"

P. R.

Fiona says could back­fire’

"I am not sure that would help. He has made his cur­rent feel­ings on the mat­ter clear and if you try to force change on him with such an ul­ti­ma­tum, it is likely to back­fire. It may sim­ply push him into a de­ci­sion that nei­ther of you seems to want, namely that he leaves you.

"That said, if mar­riage is off the cards now, I see noth­ing wrong with get­ting some clar­i­fi­ca­tion about the fu­ture from him. For ex­am­ple, at what point will you both stop be­ing 'too young'? And, if he loves you, does he see a time when you could be mar­ried?

"I think you might also re­mind him that, what­ever your re­la­tion­ship sta­tus, you both have a duty of care to your daugh­ter. If mar­riage con­tin­ues to not be an op­tion, one thing that could help her is for both of you to have a will. Nam­ing each other as the main ben­e­fi­ciary (or your daugh­ter, if you both die) would give you valu­able re­as­sur­ance that her fu­ture would be more se­cure."

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