The express swell of the SUV syndrome

Are people who cannot do without Sports Utility Vehicles ‘all there?’

Bertie grinned mischievously. “How else can you explain the dependence of selfappointed lordly types, politicians and government high ups on SUVs? Doesn’t it explain why despite their horrendous prices, these luxury jobs are hitting our struggling country’s shores like confetti? Do you have a better explanation?”

In travel, there was an era during which most people used public transport almost all the time. However they resorted to occasional trips in a Morris Minor, or Volkswagen taxi when in a hurry. Only a few souls used their own jalopies. When this travel environment was first recognized as unsatisfactory it can be said that a remedial programme began with the import of a number of 4 wheel drive jeeps for the use of parliamentarians. It was associated with free-trade policies adopted by a new regime that replaced a Left inclined one bringing an end to a dearth of goods ranging from Mysore dhal to second-hand cars a situation precipitated by hare-brained government policies that would have been snorted at even by pukka communist regimes.

Jeeps and SUVs

‘MP’ jeeps were basic affairs to facilitate parliamentarians to ‘watch the interests of their constituencies’. This government thinking made jeeps symbols of authority and power. And it did not take long for many others among the citizenry who did not wear the mantle of a parliamentarian to acquire 4 wheel drive vehicles to give themselves a sense of superiority over others they began to imagine as lesser beings.

This trend of clambering aboard the 4WD band wagon was boosted by new thinking around jeeps. So, jeeps that featured in the two World Wars and also battered in really rough country became old fashioned, crude and ungainly giving birth to streamlined imitations of jeeps –Sports Utility Vehicles (SUV’s) most as large as elephants. Spurning the standard greens of jeeps, SUV’s came in cross-bred rainbow colours. They were also crammed with many trimmings over jeeps: automatic gears, souped-up engines, soft suspensions, air-conditioning, plush upholstery, power mirrors and winders, ABS protection, FM bands CD, DVD, MP3 players and what not that made former jeeps look and sound like bullock carts. And outlays on advertising them as sets of wheels not to be missed rose by leaps and bounds. So did sales.

‘Sports’ and ‘Utility’?

Although it is assumed that the ‘utility’ part of an SUV means its capacity for general motoring, the ‘sports’ description is more difficult to explain. While their identity tag raises questions, SUVs cannot overshadow the performance of jeeps on rough and tough conditions–ever.

What would happen if SUVs with fancy names similar to Land Roamer, Safari King, Mountain Tamer, Wanderlust, Desert Tamer etc., taking the challenge of rough African bush, a ride across a stony deserts crowded with cactus, taking a short cut over a steep and slithery slope, even a fun-trip on Artic ice? Most likely, mod, groomed and chromed SUVs will fall apart, snorkels, winches, spades and all. But manufacturers portray them as sexy, tough and independent play aids through ads. Shiny SUV’s with mountains in the background, or with beautiful people challenging nature while having fun with ‘Oh, I wish you were here” slogans making impressionable people fall in love with the Safari King or Trail Buster advertised.

SUV delusions

Today SUVs are heavily criticized for a variety of environmental and safety related reasons. The environmental factor is clear: these huge vehicles drink fuel. That means more pollution and also high fuel costs many countries including ours cannot afford. Safety reasons are open to argument. Drivers think their SUVs are safe because they are bigger than cars and that they [the drivers] need not take safety precautions when belting along our roads.

SUVs are supposed to be big, safe, powerful, and sexy. Designer Horace Hardner’s (not his real name) leggy models are sexy; BMW’s, Ferraris and Mercs have sexy styling, but can dolled- up bread vans of Swish Bakery called SUVs be compared with such designs? The truth is that SUV’s are just mobile luxury suites with garage-door aerodynamics. And why does anyone need such an expensive monster to get from point A to point B when the same trip can be made in a modest car, a phut-phut or even a bike?

Footing the SUV bill

Being extremely expensive, SUVs are identified with rich people in developed countries. People in poor countries like Sri Lanka cannot afford even the cheapest car let alone an SUV. But there are exceptions. Our politicians and a selected crowd of officials as servants of the public embrace SUVs that come free with ordinary citizens who have no say in their political leaders’ and their henchmen’s choices of free travel, footing the bills.

Apart from this crowd some other citizens also with hollow skulls who consider themselves as super mortals also have a habit of slurping up these pricey vehicles.

The SUV syndrome is worldwide. International organizations like the UN with its branches and a host of NGOs engaged in keeping the peace, looking to the needs of children, people’s health and nutrition, environment, shelter, mine clearance and so on are great lovers of SUVs. Again, because others pay, they do not stint on dumping huge sums of money on SUVs out of their allocations to perform ‘humanitarian functions’ among hundreds of thousands of refugees starving to death in camps.

That an SUV with expensive bells and whistles can only deliver people and things from one place to another, a job a donkey or a camel can do, is lost in the glitter, glamour and pomp of SUV caravans.

Bertie says…

Why do people scurry after SUVs? The reasons are many; but the truth is that using SUVs have become as silly as a fashion fad. Bertie a close friend said, “It’s all a psycho thing touched by social madness and complexes suffered by guys without the cockles to be really ‘tough-andready-adventurers’ they aspire to be. So it’s not surprising this crowd of ‘I wannabe’ machos need image boos- ters through tons of glorified steel and gadgetry. And these guys who become a lord, a duke and a baron when they drive an SUV look down on other people. Haven’t you noticed SUV drivers blinking their lights when approaching you or tailgating you?”

When I asked Bertie what the blinking act meant he said, “Blinking lights from the front means, ‘get out of my way, you silly ass, I am coming’; blinking from behind to the blare of horns means, ‘if you don’t shift, I’ll ram your backside.’ These tin-pot characters are copying politicians with swollen egos craving for domination while reaching for haloes high in the skies.”

I must say there was a lot truth in what Bertie said. When men as meek as mice acquire an SUV, they turn into aggressive road hogs. The same goes for quiet ladies who appear to get stoned with testosterone when they get behind the wheel of an SUV.

It’s a secret

“There’s another secret behind the SUV syndrome,” went on Bertie. “There’s a theory to say that certain people sensitive about the size of their most personal property compensate by acquiring huge SUVs. It’s an ‘inversely proportionate but psychologically satisfying’ arrangement.”

“Ahh,I think I get your drift…”

Bertie grinned mischievously. “How else can you explain the dependence of self-appointed lordly types, politicians and government high ups on SUVs? Doesn’t it explain why despite their horrendous prices, these luxury jobs are hitting our struggling country’s shores like confetti? Do you have a better explanation?”

I smiled, thought awhile and smiled again. I had no answer to Berty’s challenge. The SUV mania will continue.