IT’S ELECTION TIME, DIMWIT
The run-up to CHOGM saw hectic activity in Colombo when the metropolis was spruced up to hoodwink CHOGM delegates as to what a wonderful country Sri Lanka has become. No-one is sure whether the delegates were fooled or not. Perhaps the denser ones were, but the brighter boys and girls may have snickered in their luxury hotel rooms. What it meant to the people who bore the brunt of the CHOGM make up is well known. Ask any motorist, a bus traveller, three wheel driver or a pedestrian you will be told why in pithy language. The gardening, the masonry, the carpeting and the colour washing did not mean a thing to the citizenry reeling under the weight of the cost of existing in paradise while suffering from various impediments thrust on them by the country’s deaf, blind, indifferent but vocal hierarchy. To the citizenry, the whole exercise was a sick joke. However, it did not take long for another phase of hustle and bustle to show up just to keep the people harassed out of their wits a while longer. As usual the powers that be did not care a hoot for the price their subjects paid for fancy performances they drew out of a hat.
CHOGMagain?
“Thuhooot, Tommo, I thought CHOGM is over.”Ooty an owl wearing sun glasses (he couldn’t stand the glare) and Tommo a pussycat smoking a crimped cigarette were employed as vermin exterminators at the Wallside Restaurant and Bar owned by one Shelton Perera. They were taking in the city scenery on a leisurely stroll on their day off when the owl commented on some serious digging of a perfectly sound road and pavement by a gang of orange-kitted workers.“Purrr,” went pussy taking a pull on his imported coffin nail.
The banana boatmen have got the jitters because all types of allegations are flying around against them making pleasure sailing damn difficult
“This do is for something else.”
“Whooom, whooom, and what is that?”
“The Western Provincial Council Elections you dimwit. A couple of thousand unqualified and unsuitable governors are trying for local government seats. And the government is breaking the sound barrier and all the kitties they can find to show voters what a grand job they are doing for the Western Province gentry. But, after a period of batting atrociously against some poor bowling government appears worried about being run out. So they are trying out newer strokes to satisfy voters, this is one for themê”
PC election scene 1
“What’s this,” the owl hooted interrupting pussy. Two huge SUVs with loud characters crowding its interior had appeared. The wheels were plastered with mug shots of a WPC election candidate and an “X” marked against his mug. He was the Banana Leaf Party candidate, his number was 55 and his slogan was, “Vote for Siri Aiya, he will answer all your problems.”
“Meeooww. It’s PC election time.”
A retinue of loud Banana Leaf supporters in a motley of vehicles followed Siri Aiya’s colourful jalopy; for what purpose was not clear. But the din of crackers a little beyond indicated that a welcome party was awaiting the arrival of their man to belt out promises, attacks on other candidates and other nothingdoings through a microphone to some poor sods who had heard similar stories before. Will they be taken in by such crap again?
PC election scene2
Fifteen minutes down the road, the two pals saw a crowd of people rushing away from what appeared to be a commotion. A garlanded figure in white was also seen being pushed into a double cab carrying his name, Justin de Silva, his picture, painted key, a number and a cross placed against it. He was a candidate from the Key Party. Some rough looking individuals clearly from another political gang shouting threats and brandishing poles were making a political adversary rush away to save life and limb. Election laws or not in a democracy, hounding away a rival candidate was one way of dealing with competition. And strangely a bunch of policemen supposed to see that country’s laws were followed simply looked on. They did nothing.
“Meeooww. There go some Banana boys of the current reign,” observed pussy watching a gesticulating crowd who were attempting to get the police moving. “They are wasting their time. The Banana boys have special privilegesê”
“Thuhooot, but that’s damn unfair,” complained the bird.
“It’s election time dimwit,” meeoowed pussy
PC election scene 3
“Thuhoooot,” shrieked the owl the way owls do, fluttering out of the way of a black SUV that blasted past with a blare of its horn. It carried no number plates. A number of other vehicles filled with people sped behind it. “Who the hell is that governor?”“Purrssshsh, that’s the Minister of Ornamental Fish Industries from the Banana boat yard. He must be giving a speech somewhere on behalf of his son running for a PC to keep power in the family and keep the coffers full. Didn’t you hear? The banana boatmen have got the jitters because all types of allegations are flying around against them
making pleasure sailing damn difficult. And our governors are tired of their rowing.”
PC election scene 4
Another ten minutes of uneventful walking brought the pals near a kovil where a crowd was following someone carrying a basket of fruit. Several others who accompanied him also carried baskets of fruit. “Thuhoot! What’s happening here?”
“Purrshsh. It’s PC election time, silly. A PC politicca to be, together with his henchaiyas is trying to bribe a god with fruit cocktails and a donation to the kovil god to help him win a seat,” laughed pussy throwing away his coffin nail. The duo didn’t hang around after the kovil poosari chaperoned the politicca into the bowels of the kovil.
PC election scene 5
Later, on their leisurely hoof, the pals observed a high feature of electioneering in Kahatawatta, a slum colony. Some guys were distributing a variety of things to people like doling out buns to beggars in front of St Joseph’s Church on a Sunday.
“Wowww,” went the surprised owl. “Just look at that! They are distributing electric kettles, gas cookers, flasks, mobile phones, and look, look, TVs and envelopes containing what? Birthday Cards? What’s this in aid of?” (Is it a wonder pussy called him a dimwit?)
“Purrshsh. I call them election gifts–if you want to be polite–election bribes if you want to be truthfulê”
“Butêbut, isn’t that an election foul?”
“Of course it is, just like the other ones,” meoowwed pussy.
Here’s the news
Pussy’s opinion was confirmed that evening when pussy and the owl gave ear to news at 8 on TV in the Perera house.
After a smile, a lady seated in a television studio announced:
“Here’s the news headlines. Elec-
It's the Western Provincial Council Elections you dimwit. A couple of thousand unqualified and unsuitable governors are trying for local government seats
tion law infringements were reported from Kasbawana, Palliyedora, Saranawatte, Kospitiya, Hawulgaswewa, Panipitiya, Polgamuwa and several other places in Colombo. We will announce election related incidents in the South in our next news bulletin.”
“It is reported that a candidate from the Sickle Party was knifed to death when he was campaigning in Maragastota. A former sanitary worker, he was the father of five children. Police have not made any arrests yet.”
“Five people were assaulted after a clash between two candidates of the Banana Party over a preferential vote issue.”
“Five Banana candidates claim suitability for post of Western Province governor.”
“Am official of POOF an election monitor, they have received over 600 complaints of election law violations. POOF, Chairman Ivan Dontknow says there are so many complaints, there’s no point in having the elections.”
“This evening the Selections Commissioner said at a news conference that he has decided to retire after the PC elections as he is bothered by sleepless nights and an enlarged heart.”
“Minister of Nefarious Affairs and Howlers, Amanda Kata-kata denies that government is breaking election laws and uses govt. vehicles and public servants in election campaign.”
“Govt. minister claims Opposition leader is giving secret information to India. More news after this break the lady behind the mike smiled again.”
“Thuhoot, thuhoot. There’s more to come, aah? Now I can guess why our governors’ government is under international attack!”
e-mail: tommo.ooty@yahoo.com