WILL THE ‘TEEN’ ROCK THE BOAT?
Marital disharmony in the teenage years
When I first started writing this column ten years ago, I had three children under the age of six, with my fourth not even born yet, and my foremost priorities in my parenting were, do I have enough diapers, will I get a rested night sleep and let no children fall down the stairs. My husband, also a newbie parent, and quite involved in his burgeoning career was quite happy for me to make the parental decisions, whilst he took on the role of the “cool” parent, the one who gave fake airplane rides and let everyone stay up way past their bedtimes. These were our golden years of milky kisses, toddler hugs and “not a care in the world” days, where love and “gooey” moments were the rulebook of the land.
It seemed the time machine must have gone into over drive, for I blinked and suddenly I have two teens and a preteen who are more complicated to unravel than the yearly knotted Christmas lights. What had also changed was, us, as parents. Our parenting was more involved, we realised that how we made decisions affected the family as a whole, and we both had opinions on how this was done, sometimes we were on the same side, sometimes we met in the middle and more often we disagreed completely with each other’s opinions. Our subject of strife was also not easy, the new teenager, a changeling who was baffled with their own emotions and feelings. On one hand our love for them knew no bounds whilst on the other, their actions or lack of actions, vexed us to strife and frustration. As one reader mentioned to me “Teen years are like surfing. Some days the waves are a challenge and some days it is manageable. Either way you learn a new trick each time and learn how to stay on the surfboard. It is exhausting and unforgiving” Another reason for parenting disharmony was that we were older and more assured in ourselves as people, we were not as easy malleable and we were fighting for the wellbeing of someone who meant more to us than ourselves, our relationship,… our child.
A study done by the Harvard Public Health shows that parents are 20 percent more stressed raising teens than 20 years ago and feel MORE anxious than those working in stressful jobs. This is because we are bringing up teens in a culture that if they do not do well it reflects badly on us, as parents. We also feel that when a child is doing badly, we look for someone to pinpoint the blame and that ricochets between the two parents, the two partners bonded for life through this child. Mothers and fathers have their own natural ways of parenting. Mothers are quick to nurture and shield their child from any distress, whilst fathers through their own love language want to teach lessons the “hard” way, to make them stronger and more responsible. Children, lost in their internal chaos, take this wrongly; some feel that that their fathers “hate” them because of the punishments given, and instead of conforming, rebel, causing more strife and arguments. It’s a perfect storm in a teacup situation, where no one is the winner.
Parents of teens are also less likely to talk to others about their problems, because they feel ashamed that they are unable to parent successfully. They do not want their child to be judged. Therefore instead of allowing a third party with an unbiased view give an opinion they bounce the problem between themselves with no avail.
As one reader wrote in “Raising teenagers are like a roller coaster ride.. it’s how you cling onto your fears and still enjoy the ride.. all through that time making sure their seat belts are fastened for safety yet they get to put their hands up and do the happy scream with you by their side... There are days that they are happy and there are days that they are really down and you have no idea how to make things better for them”
After talking to many of my readers, everyone’s response to the solution is to have channels of communication always open, for all, teenager to parent and parent to parent. I have learnt to pick my battled wisely in this parenting game. As parents, and through frustration and anger we make harsh decisions, not taking into account what is best for our family, but rather what is best for an outward appearance. This is not right. Instead when one parent is more forceful than the other, take a step back, give your partner that moment to vex out their anger. Later come back to a more educated decision. One fact that we are both focused on is the well being and happiness of our teenager, to achieve that, is to take a step back to take a step forward kind of situation.
“I have raised a son who is now 20...it wasn’t easy...until I struck upon this ‘novel’ idea .... why not just speak with him rather than at him...so I tried that approach ( he was 15 or so then)...it worked...i told him that I understand he’s growing up...he will have adult like thoughts ...if he’s confused about something, I said he is welcome to talk with me about it..i wouldn’t judge, scold, scream or even worse, mock him for having those thoughts...in return, I promised him I wouldn’t speak with him as if he has no feelings and exists simply to follow my orders. Today, my son and I have a relationship where we are friends, he comes to me for advice, I ask him if I am unsure about something before making a decision”. Malavika (parent and reader)
As we enter these teenager years, it is important to note that each experience is singular to you. Understanding that you are also a different parent and person, but with still the right intentions at heart, enter the combating ring. These seas might be rocky and the boat will sway, but not for long, you need to remember that it is okay it happens to all, you will overcome it, and it will pass. Hold on tight to your family for you are bigger and stronger than what life throws at you.