Que Sira, Sira, what madness next

Sri Lanka might be in the midst of a drought, it might be without power (electrical that is, not political). But when it comes to entertainment, we have a surfeit of it, especially when politicians participate, playing major roles and bit parts in what are fast turning out to be soap operas. They are the star attractions of modern farce, the Josie Babas and Manappuwas of today, except that they make a hell of a lot of money on the side.

In ancient times, Roman emperors tried to satisfy a dispirited citizenry with plenty of food and entertainment. It was a strategy which the poet and satirist Juvenal cynically called panem et circenses- “bread and circuses”.

If Sri Lanka’s current leaders cannot come up with the extravaganzas that the Roman emperors laid out to keep their people happy, they sure can come up with comic interludes that send their own people suffering under the burden of corruption and the rule of law so low, into paroxysms of laughter. What else do they have to laugh about but the antics of the country’s leaders and those aspiring to lead?

The other day a friend in Colombo sent a picture of what he said was a special cover page of the Daily Mirror, the sister paper of the Sunday Times. For a moment I thought it was an ‘April fool’ joke sent to me belatedly.

As it is, it was no joke. It was a genuine 24-carat piece of craftsmanship, apparently done by the collective genius of the inhabitants of the presidential secretariat and possibly the presidential media division, which has raised quite some laughs in its time.

Even Trump and his trumpeters at the White House could not have come up with such a magnificent piece of unintended humour that would have had that celebrated columnist and humourist Art Buchwald engaged in rapturous applause had he been amongst us.

Who in this wide world would have had the gumption to write such unadulterated nonsense on behalf of a president who himself is not too far behind in trying to make out that he will return the Tripitaka to its pristine purity like others did to the Dead Sea Scrolls.

Seemingly embarrassed by the hoots of laughter emanating from every direction of a mariner’s compass, the Daily Mirror quickly washed its hands of the whole unsavoury episode pointing all its fingers at the Presidential Secretariat for producing this masterpiece of unintended humour and paying for its publication so that the citizenry would have something to laugh about.

Obviously, the great thinkers at the Presidential Secretariat, probably with the help of an advertising and events arranging firm that has burst into the field in the last four or five years, thought the people should pay for all this rubbish intended to boost the President this election year.

Most certainly, it would have been paid for and with the people’s cash, too, for no sane person -- particularly a respected media institution -- would have published such meaningless nonsense on their “own volition”, as a couple of panjandrums ruling the roost in the Foreign Ministry until recently were wont to say when covering up for diplomatic mishaps.

If what appeared in this advertising piffle was the best that all the president’s men -- and women -- could put together as the monumental work of their leader and what more he hopes to do to turn our wonderful country ruined by politicians into another Rodrigo Duterte-type habitat, it shows how desperate President Sirisena is to carve a place for himself in history.

But history has a way of discarding incompetents who try to push their way into the books by surrounding themselves with hired hands that hardly serve any useful purpose as this advertising nonsense shows.

I was lucky I had an alert friend who sent it to me so I could have a good laugh even if it was done alone. But for the thousands of our citizens who missed this glorious piece of literary work that perhaps deserves a Nobel Prize for Literature, if our great leader cannot convince the Nobel Prize Committee to award him one for anything else, just anything, let me present some of the jewels from the presidential crown.

Under the Daily Mirror masthead are two cryptic one-liners. On the left it says “Get sentence for illegal DRUGS” and under that it reads “liquor and others”.

It seems to suggest that anyone can walk in and ask for a “sentence” though it is not clear who one should ask. One is not sure what “liquor and others” means. Does it mean that liquor is illegal and that any woman owner of a restaurant in Polonnaruwa for instance selling liquor is committing a heinous crime?

After all, why should women be exempt when it was President Sirisena who vetoed Mangala Samaraweera’s attempt to update an outdated law that prohibited women from purchasing liquor, working in liquor shops etc.

Even so Sirisena’s edict would not stop some women with influence now scouring the Polonnaruwa district from obtaining a liquor licence to toughen the egos of the privileged lot.

So what happens to those duty- free shops at the international airport that thrive on selling liquor to women without the threat of a sentence hanging over their heads whatever this sentence means?

Apparently, this threat to do a Duterte on any offender, whoever that might be, comes from the “Police Narcotic Beauro”. I am not sure whether that last word was meant to be “booruwo”. If so it aptly describes those at the Presidential Secretariat that produced this special cover page for the delectation of the readers of the Daily Mirror and who else got hold of this, which must surely remain a collector’s item.

I am not certain whether this could be promoted to acquire the status of a World Heritage treasure, but it does deserve a place alongside other treasures that President Sirisena is pushing this election year which somebody described to me as the last days of Pompei.

On the right of this piece of advice about getting a sentence for illegal drugs, as though it is as easy as walking into a pharmacy, handing over a prescription and collecting medicines 80 percent of which are not imported and sold by any other country in this whole wide world. Perhaps Health Minister Rajitha Senaratne might claim credit for this as his contribution to lowering the price of medicines.

But that is by the way. There are more important things to consider as President Sirisena launches what many consider an election bid with some hilarious episodes.

As I started to say when distracted by this great import of useless drugs which should earn those who permit this import a Sirisena sentence, on the right is another scary statement. It says “drugs to burn before The Public”.

I have no quarrel with Sirisena and his motley crew burning the drugs. But this threat to burn the Public after the drugs, which is what this phrase seems to mean if my understanding of the English language is correct, sounds like a return to the days of Joan of Arc and burning people at the stake.

In case these two pieces of precious advice do not penetrate the thick heads of some of the citizenry, there is an image of a hangman’s noose as a reminder. If Sirisena the Great of Polonnaruwa wishes to revive some ancient art of killing discarded by the more civilized nations, that is his problem. Space does not permit a more lengthy discussion of that.

The danger, of course, is that, in trying to burn the public, some political opponents will also suffer from third degree burns, like the new- fangled ways each regime invents to make their opponents see the light.

But nothing is more hilarious than the oath- taking ceremony for a drug- free country where the “whole country” was to gather at 8.30 am for it. It did not say where the “whole country” would gather. Could not be the secretariat, could it?

Anyway there were our government and other political leaders and officials taking the oath with one hand stretched out in salute, a reminder of the days of fascist youth brigades and Hitler’s Nazi salute.

If this is sign of a return to the dark days is frightening for a country that our leaders present to the world as a non-violent Buddhist nation practising ahimsa, here is a line from the same secretarial masterpiece to stir your conscience.

“All the property confiscated earn by the undergrounds”. That will call for a lot of digging. But then there many above the ground that deserve it, too, wouldn’t you say.