Why men now have affairs for love while women do it for sex
The gender orgasm gap remains - but the infidelity gap has all but closed. Research suggests women are cheating at least at the same rates as men.
The reasons why men and women cheat has done a complete about face: the 'men cheat for sex and women for love' expectation has reversed.
Shirley Glass, a highly respected expert on fidelity in the early 2000s, found many men who loved their partners and had great sex at home, still never turned down an oppor tunity to have a bit on the side.
Men cheated to satisfy sexual urges. They were opportunistic and – because it didn't involve feelings or love – said affairs didn't affect their primary relationship.
More than half the men Glass sampled who'd had affairs said their marriages were happy. Lots said they loved their partner, their sex life was great and they had no intention of ending their primary relationship. Women in long-term marriages having affairs said quite the opposite. Glass reported they had the lowest marital satisfaction of all and felt undesired, unheard and unhappy.
A continuing affair for a married woman nearly always meant she wasn't having her emotional needs met – and hadn't been for some time. Her affair nearly always meant the marriage was at risk because she had strong feelings for the person she was sleeping with.
It was simple: men had sex based affairs, women had emotion based affairs.
Why we're cheating now
Fast forward to 2020 and the opposite is happening. Women are having affairs for sex, men for love.
Dr Tammy Nelson, author of ' When You're the One Who Cheats', thinks men are more likely now to cheat for companionship and intimacy than sex.
If it's just sex that's lacking, these days men turn to porn. God knows, there's a plethora of it out there, to appeal to all tastes, and sneaking off to the loo with your phone takes a lot less effort than planning and carrying out an affair.
Today's affairs for men happen when love and affection are lacking. Wives aren't at home anymore, waiting for their man to come home. We're busy, pursuing our own careers, sometimes out- earning our husbands, less inclined to be 24/ 7 emotionally available.
Don't get me wrong: some men still have sex-based affairs - but it's usually when sex is being withheld from them, rather than the old-school lure of ' fresh flesh'.
Women, on the other hand, Nelson says, now cheat for passion and sex – erotic sex. We're tired of looking after our men and want selfish sex without complications. Many women are serial cheaters, according to Wednesday Martin, the author of Untrue, a book that overturns the stereotype that says men are more sexual than women.
We marry the boring guy because he's stable and reliable and would make a great Dad and have steamy sex on the side with the hot, bad ones. That way we get the security, stability and companionship of long-term love but the excitement of sex on the side.
There are three myths about women and sex that the majority of people think are true. The first is that men have a higher sex drive than women. The second is that monogamy is harder for men than it is women, and the third is that men get bored with routine sex quicker than women do. All of these statements are false.
Recent research suggests female desire is completely different to what we once thought. It doesn't like tame, it likes risk. It doesn't want romance, it wants lust.
Women aren't having affairs for attention and cuddles. We're having them for hot, adventurous, boundary-pushing sex.