Age gaps: The relationship taboo that won't die

Societies are increasingly progressive; today, many people accept that love presents in many ways. So why do people still judge couples who are many years apart?

A chart from 2019 keeps popping up on social media: a graph detailing Leonardo DiCaprio’s dating history. A user had spotted a trend – although the actor was 44 at the time, he only dated women aged 25 or younger, always breaking up with partners before they reached their 26th birthday. Responses to the chart were mixed; some commended DiCaprio for his ability to attract younger women, while others berated the veteran actor, begging him to find someone closer to his own age.

The reactions to the actor’s dating habits embody the contentious views surrounding age-gap relationships – for some, they are a source of admiration, for others, there is something unsettling about coupling up with a younger person.

High-profile age-gap relationships have always set tongues wagging.

Our views around age-gap relationships are shaped by thousands of years of evolutionary psychology, and generations of social and cultural norms. Within the last hundred years, economic shifts and increased gender equalities have changed what is considered a ‘normal’ age-gap, and recent social justice movements have increased scrutiny of power dynamics in mixed-age relationships. Couples with large age gaps often face judgement.

Aversions to age-gap relationships are very common and, like most taboos, stem from thousands of years of evolution as well as more recent social and cultural cues. “In many cultures, it is not considered acceptable to fall in love with someone who is much older or younger,” says Dr Elena Touroni, a psychologist. “From an evolutionary perspective, the drive to have a family can have an impact on who we choose to have a relationship with – both from a biological perspective but also in the sense of both parents being alive to raise the child.”

Pairing up with someone of a similar age makes your relationship more likely to go the distance. Experts believe that this is because these couples tend to go through life challenges and stages at a similar time, and can therefore continue to find common ground.

Despite these factors nudging us towards partners of the same age, socio-economic circumstances can sometimes counteract evolutionary urges. As women have gained greater economic power, the appeal of a much-older spouse has fallen, making age-gap relationships less common – and often more taboo.

These days, even as most societies embrace increasingly progressive views on love, relationships and the rich variety of ways they can present, couples where one person is much older than the other still face judgement. There's even specific vocabulary to aid that judgement; an older man must be a ‘ sugar daddy’, a younger woman a ‘gold-digger’ or victim of ‘daddy issues’. That vocabulary has been expanded to include relationships in which women are the older partner; with words like ‘cougars’ and ‘toyboys’.

There’s little evidence that society’s fascination with age-gaps is lessening.