Daughter ‘stealing the joy of being a grandparent’ from mother?

Dear Annie: My daughter just gave birth to our first grandson. The problem is, she and her husband plan to take the baby to his parents’ house for babysitting, even though I offered. We both live nearby. I’d love to watch him at least one or two days a week.

I find my son-in-law to be arrogant and rather disrespectful. I get the impression that he is encouraging our daughter to have a negative attitude towards us. Before they were married, we were close to her, but now there is a huge rift. I am hurt by her actions. They are stealing my joy of having a grandchild.

I am lucky if I get to see the baby twice a week for an hour at a time. I have offered to help with dishes and laundry, and occasionally, they let me do those things. My husband and I are generous and give them lots of baby gear and food. It’s as if I need to bring a gift in order to hold my grandson.

Life has not been easy the past five years. My only parent died, and my siblings are squabbling over the estate, creating an estrangement. Three years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. Due to all of this stress, I have had two shingles outbreaks in the past two months. I always thought that when my only daughter became a mother, we would become closer, and she would be more sympathetic toward me.

This hurts so much that I have trouble sleeping. When I talk to my daughter about more time with the baby, she says: ‘‘We’ll see’’, and that she needs to talk to her husband about it. And nothing changes. How do I fix this?

Sad Grandma

Dear Sad:

Party of one

We know many grandparents would consider an hour twice a week to be a blessing, so we caution you not to be overly focused on the downside of your relationship. There may be myriad of reasons why your daughter prefers her in-laws to babysit. Some of it may be that you seem depressed and stressed, partly due to your medical problems and sibling issues. You may come across as needy and demanding, rather than loving and generous. Talk to your daughter gently. Tell her you love her and her family, and ask how you can improve things between you. Dear Annie: I am the youngest of seven children and the only one who didn’t marry young. I am also the only one who attended college. I am graduating in May and mentioned to my parents that I hoped to have a small graduation party with family and close friends. One friend already offered to make my cake.

You can imagine my disappointment when my parents said it was silly to have a graduation party, and they’d rather spend money on a wedding whenever I get married. Annie, I wasn’t asking them to spend money. I just wanted to use the hospitality of their home because my college apartment is a few hours away.

I’ve worked hard for my degree, and I’m hurt by their lack of excitement. I want to share my happiness. I don’t need gifts. Would it be against etiquette to throw myself a party?

Dear Puzzled:

Puzzled

It is OK to give yourself a party, but please don’t mention your graduation until after your guests arrive. You don’t want to give the impression of: ‘‘I’m so fantastic and accomplished — bring presents.’’ Simply say you want to have a party. You can then tell them during the event that you are celebrating your degree.

Another option is to get together with your classmates and have a group celebration, whereby you are essentially giving a graduation party for one another.

Old flame flickers

Dear Annie: I am a 70-year-old widow who parted ways with my first love 50 years ago. Our only contact since then was five years ago, when I mailed some old pictures of him I had discovered. His thank-you note included an invitation to call ‘‘them’’ if I was ever in his area.

I will be travelling to the city where he lives in April. While I am eager to suggest meeting for lunch, I am not sure this would be proper. I believe he is married, but my intentions are only to catch up with someone for whom I once cared greatly.

Should I invite him with his wife? Should I simply shelve the entire idea?

Perplexed in Phoenix

Dear Phoenix:

You are over-thinking this. By all means, suggest meeting for lunch, and please include his wife. If you only want to reminisce and catch up, there should be no hint of ulterior motives. You might even make a new friend.