Man still punished by parents for childhood remark
Dear Annie: When I was 11 years old, I made an insulting remark to one of my older sister’s teenage friends, teasing her about her acne.
The next day, my mother loudly confronted me about it, and my grandmother and sister joined in.
For the next several months, if I said anything my mother didn’t like, she’d angrily remind me of the horrible thing I’d done.
For years after, she’d allude to it. This continued until I was close to 30.
Last year, my mother told me this same girl had been working as a waitress after dropping out of college, and that my comments about her acne had ruined her self-esteem. At that point, I tracked her down and asked her whether she was still upset with me over the incident all those years ago.
She said she didn’t remember it at all. She said her lifestyle choices were the result of her rebelling against her domineering parents and had nothing to do with me.
During a recent car trip with my parents, my mother brought this up again. I loudly said: ‘‘That was 24 years ago, and I’m tired of hearing about it. If you don’t stop, I will leave.’’ My mother told me to ‘‘go’’, and I had my father pull over, and I took my bag and walked back home.
I haven’t spoken to my parents in six months, and I don’t miss them. Really, Annie, when can a 35-year-old man expect forgiveness for something he did when he was 11? I may have been a rude kid, but I had a mother who called me ‘‘fat’’ and ‘‘pudgy’’. I guess I learned it from her.
Is my mother crazy, or do I have to do some penance?
Dear New Yorker:
New Yorker
Your mother seems vindictive and obsessive. You have acknowledged your rudeness toward this young woman and, we assume, apologised to her at some point. But when a child is 11, a parent should use such incidents to teach kindness. Your mother used it as an excuse to hold something over your head for eternity. You are right not to tolerate such comments any longer.
Dealing with the drink
Dear Annie: I wanted to share a bit of what it’s like to be the family member of a person who drinks too much. I know. I had more than 40 years of experience by the time I finally sought answers. I studied brain- and addiction-related research to assess my loved one’s drinking patterns in order to protect myself from second-hand drinking. Secondhand drinking is a term to describe the impact on the person on the receiving end of another person’s drinking behaviours. These drinking patterns cause brain changes — especially in the areas of the brain responsible for judgement, memory, coordination, pleasure/ reward and reasoning.
And we don’t fully understand the physical and emotional consequences to the health of a family member or friend who repeatedly deals with SHD. These include anxiety, depression, stomach ailments, skin problems, obesity, sleep problems, difficulties at work or in school, migraines and more.
I urge people who love someone who drinks too much to conduct an anonymous screening of their loved one’s drinking patterns.
Screening for Mental Health has created a fantastic website, www.HowDoYouScore.org, where anyone can anonymously evaluate their own or a loved one’s drinking patterns through an online assessment. The website also provides information on treatment options and suggestions for what it would take to cut down on or stop drinking.
This kind of anonymous screening allows you to understand what you are really dealing with: a drinking pattern that is changing their loved one’s brain and causing hurtful drinking behaviours.
Lisa Frederiksen
Dear Lisa:
Thank you for sharing your story and emphasising the importance of screening for alcoholism.
Comfort of compassion
Dear Annie: I read the letter from ‘‘Heartbroken’’, whose daughter committed suicide and whose mother is unsympathetic.
The only people who truly understand what it is to lose a child are other parents who have.
Thank you for suggesting The Compassionate Friends (the website is compassionatefriends.org). It is a beautiful organisation filled with parents who care. We will give her the hugs and compassion she needs.
Green Bay, Wisconsin