Can this leopard change his spots or is he too much of a cheater?

Dear Annie: A close friend of mine is a successful professional woman who went through a painful divorce several years ago when her husband was unfaithful. ‘‘Diane’’ swore off dating for a long time.

A year ago, Diane began seeing a man who is also a successful, well-known professional from our community.

However, this man has a history of cheating on his wife and even left his marriage at one point to marry another woman, only to return to his wife and family when he realised he had made a mistake.

But he continued to cheat. His marriage ended two years ago, and he soon moved in with someone else for several months. Two weeks after they split up, he began dating Diane. They are now engaged.

Several people have warned Diane about this guy, his past and the destruction he seems to cause. His own grown children refuse to speak to him. I worry that this man has great potential to hurt Diane. How can I get through to her that marrying him would be a huge mistake? She says because of her successful practice she would have the means to take care of herself if anything were to happen with the marriage, but it is her heart I am worried about. This leopard isn’t going to change his spots for her.

Concerned in the Heartland

Dear Concerned:

Diane is surely aware of her fiance’s past and has heard all of the warnings about his cheating, but they have not dissuaded her. Some women think they are ‘‘the one’’, and the man will change for her. It rarely happens. Diane is determined to marry the guy and, as she says, has prepared herself for the consequences.

She may feel this is her only chance to be married again. Or she may believe that all guys cheat, so what’s the difference. Unless she is willing to address these issues, the wedding will go on despite your misgivings. Please do your best to wish her well.

Backstabbing friends

Dear Annie: My friend ‘‘Nina’’ just broke up with her boyfriend of five years. We are here for her, trying to help in any way we can, even though we think she is out of her mind for doing this.

One of our friends has been telling Nina lies about the guy, saying he has been talking about her behind her back. I have never heard him do this. All he has ever said is that he loves Nina and doesn’t understand why she broke things off.

This friend has a reputation for being dishonest. There have been fights about this before. She has backstabbed Nina twice in the past, yet Nina always turns to her when she thinks her world is collapsing.

Nina has told me that she doesn’t trust this woman, but they continue to act like sisters.

I care a great deal about Nina, but at what point does a 40-year-old woman grow up? Maybe Nina needs to have her life blow up in her face so she gets a clue. Is there anything I can do?

A Real Friend

Dear Friend:

Not really. Nina knows this woman lies to her, and yet she is willing to break off an otherwise good relationship over it. We think Nina does this on purpose. It provides an excuse for her to sabotage her relationships and be miserable. Either she doesn’t believe she deserves happiness or she likes creating drama.

Tell Nina you care about her and want her to be happy, but she is going to have to do some work to get there. Suggest counselling, but don’t hold your breath.

Appetiser for destruction

Dear Annie: The other day, we invited a couple out to lunch as our guests. However, my wife and I were upset when they ordered appetisers without asking us. We never order appetisers, because we watch our diets and feel the dinner provides plenty of food.

Also, since we were paying for it, why would they order something we ourselves didn’t order?

We kept our thoughts to ourselves but would like to know whether this was proper.

Dear Exploited:

Feeling Exploited

Guests should always take their cues from the hosts. If you did not suggest appetisers, they should not have ordered them on their own. However, as hosts, you cannot insist that your guests share your food preferences in a restaurant. It would have been gracious of you to ask whether they would like to order appetisers, provided you could afford to do so.