Trying to please kids who don’t know how to be grateful

Dear Annie: My wife and I are 75, with children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. We are still paying off our credit card bills from Christmas.

It’s difficult for us to shop. We don’t know what they want and can’t afford much. My wife does a great job purchasing clothing and toys, but they don’t seem terribly happy to open the presents. We still have a gift in our house for one great-granddaughter because her parents don’t care enough to pick it up. Of course, none of the adult grandchildren has ever purchased us a gift.

I told my wife that maybe we should give a donation in their name.

Grandpa

Dear Grandpa: A donation is lovely, provided they don’t object to the charity you have selected. Or give each child a tin of Grandma’s special cookies or Grandpa’s favourite tea. Please don’t go broke trying to please kids who don’t know how to be grateful.

Sibling needs help

Dear Annie: I have three siblings. The youngest sister, “Jess”, has always had problems. At 13, she started taking drugs and running away from home. She spent five years in prison, and when she got out, my older sister offered to let Jess live with her so she could get a job and go to school.

Jess was OK for about 18 months. Then she developed back problems and was unable to work. After several disagreements with my sister, she moved out to live with her boyfriend, whom she later married. It’s been downhill from there.

A few nights ago, Jess knocked on my door with her husband and their dog. Apparently, they are homeless. Neither of them can stick to a job on a regular basis. I’m sure Jess suffers from some type of mental illness and now I think her husband does, too. I told Jess she could stay for three months and then would have to leave.

Lost and Confused

Dear Lost: It is compassionate of you to take in your sister and her family, but she needs more help than you can give her. The best thing you can do for Jess is to look into local social services that will help her and her husband with mental health counselling, job training and housing.

Disturbing the peace

Dear Annie: You got it wrong in your response to “Going Deaf in Michigan”, the 82-year-old woman who complained that her neighbour’s workouts included dropping heavy barbells onto their garage floor. This activity belongs in a gym.

Just because the law permits noise until a certain hour doesn’t mean all noise is reasonable. You should suggest that if the neighbours are unwilling to cease this racket, “Going Deaf” should pursue a court order restraining them from engaging in activities that clearly disturb her peace.

Chiloquin, Oregon

Lacks caring

Dear Annie: My 29-year-old stepson refuses to give gifts to family members at Christmas. A few years ago, I asked him why, and he said he doesn’t believe in the crass commercialism at Christmas. Yet he and his wife accept gifts from all of us.

He also doesn’t send a card or phone on his Dad’s birthday or mine. He and his wife earn plenty of money and can afford it. But that’s beside the point. It is the effort and caring that is lacking.

Wondering

Dear Wondering: It is perfectly logical to stop buying presents for him, saying, “We know you don’t support the crass commercialism of the holiday, so we are respecting your beliefs and not purchasing any gifts for you.” This is your stepson, so Dad should handle it. Some kids simply don’t connect the dots or realise the importance of remembering a loved one’s special day. It helps to remind them. Gently.