Don’t let dad chase the love of your life away

Dear Annie: I am a female resident physician. In medical school, I fell in love with “Jay”, a classmate. We have been together for four years. Jay is a resident physician in another state.

Two years ago, I brought Jay home to meet my father and stepmother. Some of Jay’s favourite topics of discussion are American history and politics. My father deemed him aggressive and argumentative. Dad also says Jay doesn’t really love me because he didn’t hug or kiss me during that visit.

In actuality, I had asked Jay to tone down the PDA in front of my father. Later, my stepmother butted in and told me that my whole family hates Jay, which is a complete lie and wreaked havoc on my relationships with my mother and sister.

No matter how much I tell Dad that Jay is a good man, I cannot override his first impression.

Jay has not been invited back, so that makes it doubly hard to let Dad see a different side of him.

My mother says Dad secretly hopes Jay and I will break up due to the long-distance relationship. But we see each other every month and are very much in love.

Last April, Jay proposed. We’re both buried in student loans, so there is no engagement ring at the moment and we have no set plans for a wedding. We’ve shared the news only with Jay’s family and our closest friends.

My father and stepmother do not know, and I am terrified to tell them. Dad has a history of cutting people out of his life over petty things. (He once stopped speaking to his own mother for five years.)

Dad abandoned our family when I was 13 in order to marry my stepmother. Since then I’ve bent over backward to be the perfect daughter. This stresses me out. I don’t want my relationship with Dad to crumble.

Dr. Confused

Dear Dr: You cannot live your life to please your controlling father. Part of being an adult is making your own decisions and having the courage to stand by them.

If your father stops speaking to you, so be it. Get counselling if you need help.

Never too late

Dear Annie: This is for “Uncle Joe”, the 88-year-old mentally ill uncle whose sister insists that he be invited to holiday gatherings. The key message is: “He ruins it for everybody.” If he refuses help, leave him out and tell him why.

I was 70 years old before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and depression. I was put on the right medication and never looked back. It is not too late for Joe, but if he is too stubborn for treatment, leave him home.

Been There

What’s in a name

Dear Annie: “Been There, Done That” lamented the trend to give kids unusual names. These days, complicated names can be an advantage if you are searching for someone on the Internet. A person with a commonly spelt first name can be impossible to find.

Fifty years ago, my kid sister announced that she was going to marry someone with a simple last name. But when she married years later, it was to a man whose name was even harder to spell and pronounce than hers. When I taught elementary school, the principal suggested that it might be easier for students to call me something other than my last name, as long as it started with “Mister”. On my first day, I wrote my name on the board and told the students what the principal had said. They voted to call me “Mister John”. I remember one open house when a parent addressed me by my last name. Their daughter immediately interrupted to say they were incorrect. I was “Mister John”.

Hard To Spell Last Name

Paid for services

Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Frustrated Pastor’s Wife” whose husband is not always paid for wedding and funeral services. I have had to help plan several funerals in my lifetime. In each case, the funeral director provided the suggested amount to give the pastor for his or her services. I appreciated this guidance, as it made it much easier to know what to give when I was already overwhelmed with a loved one’s death.

My Two Cents