You are not responsible for anyone else’s actions
Dear Abby: I have been married to a wonderful man for 20 years. He adopted my oldest son and we have three kids together. All of our children are loved and accepted by his extended family; my in-laws refer to me as their daughter.
Everything is fine with the exception of my husband’s brother “Todd” and his wife, “Pearl.” Mostly it’s Pearl. Todd goes along with her because he’s a good husband.
Pearl hates me. She literally hates me. After many years of strange rules placed on us regarding them and their children, the ugly truth came out six months ago. They wish we had never got married and do not agree with or accept our marriage and children. With no further explanation, their relationship with us is over. Not only with us, but the rest of the family, as well!
We are all grieving, but seeing my in-laws’ heartache when we visit with or talk to them makes me feel guilty. What do I do to get over this and not feel responsible for their actions?
Feeling Guilty In California
Dear Feeling Guilty: If Pearl and Todd have estranged themselves from the entire family, remember that this is their problem. If they are happier going their own way, you must allow them to continue on their chosen path.
While I’m sure it’s painful to see your in-laws grieve, you are not responsible for anyone else’s actions, so stop torturing yourself with guilt. Continue being the loving, supportive daughter-in-law and wife you have always been. Stay busy and involved with your own life.
There is probably more to this than you have put in your letter, but the person with the problem is your sister-in-law. If you continue to internalise it, you are making a mistake.
Forgiveness needed
Dear Abby: I am 42 years old and a divorced father of two. Earlier this year, I caused a fatal drunk driving accident. Once I came to and realised what I had done, I accepted responsibility and pled guilty to my crime. I have never before been in trouble with the authorities.
I believe God has forgiven me. I know my extremely supportive family and friends have also forgiven me. But how do I forgive myself? I think about it and cry daily for my victim and that family. I pray they will find some comfort that I am behind bars.
I plan to volunteer and use my time to help others as I have done in the past, once I am free. I also plan to tell my story to as many people as will listen to help stop the senseless act of driving under the influence.
I can never, and will never, forget what I have done. But I know I must forgive myself in order to move forward and start helping others.
Unforgiven Inmate In California
Dear Unforgiven: Something you can do while you are incarcerated would be to start a dialogue with the clergyperson of your faith who ministers to the prison population.
Because re-entry into the larger community can be stressful, if substance abuse counselling is available, join a group. It might help you avoid falling back into old habits upon your release.
TMI
Dear Abby: Do you know why people nowadays feel the need to announce their pregnancies via ultrasound pictures?
I’m sorry, but I really don’t want to see all that. I guess some folks think the image of a blurry, black-and-white foetus is “darling”.
But to me, all I see is an up-close-and-personal snapshot of a stranger’s uterus. Even if we’re best friends, I don’t need all that detail.
Not Ready For A Close-Up
Dear Not Ready: If seeing a sonogram is “TMI” for your sensibilities, all you need to do is scroll past it. It’s not as if you’re being forced to view the foetus.
Being able to see the product they’re manufacturing pre-delivery helps many couples to bond with their babies and when people are happy, they often want to share their joy. So loosen up and let them.