All that sex since ‘the talk’ for naught?
Dear Annie: Twelve years ago, I married my best friend, lover and the woman I believed to be my partner for life. Before we married, my wife and I were physically active: hiking, biking, skiing, rollerblading, you name it. We enjoyed movies, plays, board games and talking for hours. We also had a fantastic sex life.
Seven years ago, all of that began to change. She lost interest in outdoor activities and board games. Hours of talking have been replaced with hours in front of the TV or staring into our mobile phones and computers. Our sex life became nearly nonexistent. We’ve both put on a little weight, but for me, it’s 4.5kg, and for my wife, it’s 18kg. I still think she’s incredibly sexy and tell her so. I have maintained a regular fitness regimen and a few years ago started competing in triathlons. My wife views this as encroaching on our social life.
I love my wife, but I’m no longer in love with her the way I once was. Not long ago, we had a heart-to-heart, and I said I no longer wanted to be married to her and told her why. She responded by telling me she recognised that I had been pulling away and understood why. She said she wished things could be different, but she would move forward.
Since “the talk”, my wife has been extremely clingy and insecure, wanting to know my whereabouts and activities at all times. Where I suffered sexual frustration in silence for years, my wife is now quite vocal about having her sexual needs met.
I can’t manufacture feelings for her, sexual or otherwise, and I am still leaning toward the exit. I feel staying is dishonest, but leaving means I’m not giving our relationship a chance.
Crossroads in California
Dear Crossroads: Your wife doesn’t want you to leave. That is why she is clingy, insecure and demanding more sex. In the past seven years, you have gradually become disillusioned with your married life, but you only told your wife about it recently.
You haven’t given her the time to work on it. Instead of looking for a justification to leave, please get into counselling with your wife. See whether you can find the “best friend” and “partner for life” you married. It’s not too late.
A venial sin
Dear Annie: I am a 67-year-old widow. My husband died six years ago. We enjoyed a good sex life, and I miss it very much.
I would like to relieve myself (masturbation), but I don’t know how the Catholic Church feels about it, and I don’t want to ask my priest. Is it a mortal or venial sin? Or is the Catholic Church more lenient these days?
Frustrated
Dear Frustrated: According to the New Catholic Encyclopedia, masturbation is still a mortal sin. However, there are “conditions of anxiety or other psychological or social factors that lessen or even extenuate moral culpability”, making it a venial sin. We know the Church’s position matters to you, but our position is that masturbation is a perfectly reasonable alternative for someone who is widowed. Please consider talking to your priest about this. He has undoubtedly heard it before.
Sexing it up
Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Need Help”, the young wife who doesn’t like sex. I don’t believe she is unusual or unhealthy or necessarily asexual. I felt the same way in my 20s and still do in my 60s. I have a faithful husband who likes regular sex. I would be happy with frequent cuddling and only occasional sex. I tried everything to change, from hormones to counselling.
What finally worked for me was realising (in my 40s) that I am lucky to be a female and can perform sexually whether I’m aroused or not. My husband and I agreed on a frequency of sex that meets his needs, and once in a while, I enjoy it, too. Sex is something I do for our marriage. He makes other compromises, such as talking with me more than he would prefer.
You don’t need to be totally sexually compatible. Marriage is full of compromises. The hardest part is thinking you are alone in this. You are not.
R
Dear R: Thank you so much for pointing out that marriage is full of compromises, and you and your husband have reached one when it comes to the frequency of sex. But “Need Help” said she doesn’t like to be touched and has some deeply rooted aversions to sex, including reading books about the subject. She could be asexual, but we believe there is more to it and she could benefit from counselling. We hope she gets it.
Dance the pain away
Dear Annie: I was saddened by the letter from “L.H. in Montgomery”, the 82-yearold woman who has been searching for love for 40 years.
My husband and I are senior citizens, 75 and 80 years old. We have been dancing in senior centres and other dance organisations for 25 years. It is amazing how many friendships and relationships are developed between us “old people” when we’re dancing. Of course, none of us feels old.
L.H. should check out local senior centres and social dance clubs in her area. Dancing is great social interaction.
Suisun City, California