HELPING GEN Y TO DEVELOP EMOTIONAL MATURITY
Apart from coaching senior executives, I also coach younger talents who are mainly from Generation Y. Most are management trainees in both the private sector and public service.
One day I got a call from Pete, a management trainee in a large conglomerate. “Coach Kriengsak, I have a friend named Cherry who is immature in terms of emotional intelligence. She’s asked me to coach her. What should I do?” he asked me.
“Pete, what kind of behaviour makes you say that she’s immature?”
“Cherry argues with everyone about every detail. She starts off with a logical point, but if she no longer has any logical stand to pursue, she gets aggressive. Her tone of voice gets louder, her face turns red and the argument always turns into a battle.
“She works in my project team but nobody wants to deal with her. Everyone turns to me as a mediator.” “How much do you know about her?” “I’m quite close to her. I think I know her well enough.”
“Okay, let me help you with a set of questions about her behaviour, and I’d like as much detail as possible. How does it sound to you?” “I like that.” “The first question is about self-awareness. How much does she really know about herself in terms of strengths and weaknesses, values, and motivation?”
“Coach, I would say Cherry’s strengths are intelligence, analytical and debating skills, and competitiveness. Her weaknesses are lack of emotional sensitivity, poor listening skills and lack of attention to detail.
“Her values are openness, equality, speed and responsibility. Her motivation is to be a successful manager within the shortest time. Then, she will retire at 40 and start her own business. Overall, I think she has good self-awareness.”
“Great, Pete. The next question is: how does she expect others to perceive her?”
“I think she wants others to perceive that she is intelligent and caring.”
“How successful is she at getting others to perceive her in this way?”
“I think people perceive her as aggressive, intelligent, stubborn and not caring about other people’s feelings.”
“So how does this align in terms of what she expects and what others perceive?”
“It doesn’t. She thinks she cares because she is open to expressing her opinion, and that caring enough to say what she means is part of caring, but other people don’t think so.”
“How should she modify her behaviour?”
“She has to adjust how she interacts with others. She needs to improve her listening skills seriously. She has to try to really understand others’ points of view. Then, she has to respond in the proper manner. She has to let go of her must-win attitude when she doesn’t have a logical ground when debating.”
“Pete, that’s a good summary. How do you plan to help her?”
“Coach, I think I’ll set up a meeting with her. Then, I’ll try to follow your process by stimulating her thinking with questions.” “What could go wrong?” “She may want to start a debating battle with me. We might end up fighting instead.” “How can you prevent that?” “I’m not sure.” “How much does she trust you?” “Cherry is a very stubborn person. She might not trust me much.”
“On a scale 1 to 10, how much does she trust you?” “I think 5.” “Among her friends, how would you compare to the others?”
“I think she trusts other friends only at 2 or 3. As for our boss, I’d say he’s a 4 on Cherry’s trust scale.”
“So even if she doesn’t trust you very much, you’re still the person she has the highest trust in?” “You’re right, Coach.” “Pete, there are two core principles in coaching:
We cannot change people who don’t want to change.
The person who wants to change has to accept that he or she is part of the problem. Hence, one will be part of the solution as well.
“What do you think Cherry’s view if of these two aspects?”
“Coach, she came to me for help. I think she wants to change, but does she accept that she’s part of the problem? I don’t know.” “How do you know for sure?” “I need to ask her directly. She will tell me straightforwardly.”
“Great. Why don’t you summarise what we discussed today?”
“The steps to take in coaching people to develop emotional maturity are:
Clarify self-awareness: strengths, weaknesses, values and motivation; Clarify how you wish others to see you; Make other people see you as you wish;
Evaluate the difference between the wish and reality; Modify accordingly. “Finally, before coaching, I need to ensure two principles: willingness to change and accepting that one is part of the problem.”
“Good summary, Pete.”