Should mother-in-law help with totalled car expenses?
Dear Annie: Last summer, our family spent all of our time helping my newly widowed mother-in-law fix up her large home, which had become run down during her husband’s long illness.
During one of the days I took off to help, she backed into the side of our car, causing damage. The repair estimate was $1,000 [36,578 baht], but she didn’t want to claim it on her insurance for fear her rates would go up. My husband didn’t want to ask her to pay, so we simply drove around with a giant dent in our car. Last week, we were in an accident and our car was totalled. The value we received was reduced due to the prior damage.
My husband and I work public service jobs with low wages, and my mother-inlaw often talks about how she’s investing her half-million dollars. Am I wrong to think she should pay for the damage she caused to our car while we were fixing her home to save her money?
Trying Not to be Resentful
We understand why you expected Mum to pay for the damage, and she should have offered to do so. Nonetheless, we are asking you to think of this with compassion. Mum is widowed and her ability to generate income is undoubtedly reduced. That “half-million dollar” investment has to last her the rest of her life, while you and your husband will continue to earn. Discuss this with your husband and come to a mutual decision. He is obviously reluctant to ask Mum to pay for this, and perhaps it would be easier to ask her to split the cost. Whatever happens, please allow your husband to deal with this as he sees fit, and do your best to forget the rest. It won’t help to dwell on it.
Oh, brother
Dear Annie: I have been seeing my boyfriend, “John”, for more than a year and love him very much. We are in our mid-20s, and while there are no plans to move in together or settle down soon, I see a future with him.
The issue is that John lives with his older brother “Zack”. Zack has no fulltime job, no prospects and no friends outside of those provided by John. Zack is shy in social situations, and covers this by being snide and sarcastic, which leads him to be girlfriend-less. My friends no longer like hanging out with John, as Zack is almost always involved.
John pays for everything for Zack — rent, food, entertainment or any event we go to. I feel like John’s second girlfriend. When we go out with other friends for dinner, John will pay for Zack, but not me. And if the three of us go out, John and I split the bill 50/50. I don’t mind this occasionally, but my finances are tight and I don’t care to pay for Zack. I resent that Zack gets treated to these dinners, but I don’t. Even our romantic dates usually involve Zack, and of course, he would come on any vacation.
I feel stuck. I love John and I have even learned to like Zack, but I don’t think I can handle this situation any longer. I’ve brought it up delicately many times, and John and Zack both acknowledge the need for a change, but nothing happens.
Third Wheel on Facebook
Dear Third: John obviously feels responsible for Zack and wants to take care of him. He doesn’t feel responsible for you, since you are independent, both financially and socially. Have you asked John privately whether Zack could benefit from counselling? If he is the older brother and still has no job and no social life, he might need some coaching in life skills. He also might appreciate having someone teach him how to handle himself at a party or attract the attention of a female, and you could be of tremendous assistance there. Otherwise, any “future” you see with John means including Zack in everything.