An understanding of one’s identity
Dear Annie: I am 62 and my only sibling, a brother, died 16 years ago. My parents have been dead for years. Recently, I was told by an elderly cousin that I have a half brother. My father got an employee pregnant and now this boy is 50. He’s an only child. His mother was married and let her husband think the son was his biological son. She and the husband are now in their 80s. No one knows the truth except the cousin, the mum and me. I don’t think my dad ever knew.
I called the mother up and she was very belligerent — understandably. She pretty much admitted it’s true. It would be hard to deny because her son looks exactly like my dad. I told her I don’t want to cause trouble for her husband, the poor 80-year-old man who thinks this is his biological son. And I don’t want to cause trouble for my half brother, who thinks that man is his biological dad. The mum just shouted back that she doesn’t care who I tell.
I had just called to see whether the family knows, but seeing as no one else does, I don’t want to say anything. I plan on sticking to that, but there are times when I really wish I could connect with my brother. Do you think there will be a time when I wouldn’t be selfish in trying to call him?
To Tell the Truth or Keep Quiet
It would be selfish to tell your half brother this world-shattering fact only because you’re lonely. But there are other reasons for letting him know about his biological father. For one, as he gets older, he might benefit from knowing your dad’s medical history.
It sounds as if his mum is unable to think rationally about the situation. Perhaps you could enlist your cousin for help, as he or she seems to have more background on the situation. (Working with your cousin would be a good opportunity to bond.) Your half brother is old enough to decide for himself what to do with the information. The man who raised him will always be his dad. Knowing about his biological father wouldn’t change that and it might give him a deeper understanding of his own identity.
Hair woes
Dear Annie: My wife has had long beautiful hair since we first started dating. It’s dark, curly and halfway down her back. Now she wants to cut it to a shoulder-length do she saw on some actress. I’ve asked her to please not. She seems annoyed by this — saying that it’s her hair, that she can do what she wants and that she’s made up her mind. I’m not trying to be a controlling jerk, but I feel I should get some say in this. Shouldn’t she care what I find attractive? If she told me she preferred a certain hairstyle on me, I would certainly try to stick to that.
Shear Terror Dear Shear: I think you’re overly fearful here. She’s only cutting it to her shoulders. The change might spice things up and you might even end up loving her new look. It is ultimately her decision. And remember: We’re talking about hair here. It grows back.
Wedding invite
Dear Annie: A friend is planning her wedding in a state where neither she nor her fiancé live or have relatives. Her plan is a very small private ceremony, to be followed by a reception. All the guests are coming from out of state. Shouldn’t all the guests be invited to the ceremony? I always look forward to the ceremony more than the reception.
Confused Guest-to-Be
Yes, you’re right that everyone would be invited to the ceremony. While it may not be traditional, it is their choice.