My bad behaviour has led to estrangement

Dear Annie: My situation is the classic example you would find in a college psychiatry textbook in a chapter dealing with mental cause and effect and your input to solve it is necessary.

I had serious financial and medical setbacks. Then I erupted by email at one of my seven mature children over some inconsequential issue and said some nasty words over things that had nothing to do with what my son had emailed me about. After several disgusting retorts back and forth, I forwarded the chain to the other six children and got some very bad comments from several of them.

As a result of their (justifiable) outrage, I have not had any contact with three of these adult children for several years. I have sent what I intended to be sincere apologies and begged for forgiveness, suggesting they recall all the good times of our past. And I accepted all of the blame for the original heated email exchange.

I realise that my lashing out had nothing to do with the actual words that were being said but instead was a result of my subconsciously feeling the need to lash out at the first person who crossed me.

Would a third party be the best way for a final solution to bring the entire family back together? If not one of the four children, who else might you suggest to act as a third party to resolve this?

I am in my 90s and I do not want this complete deprivation of contact with my family members.

Puzzled Great-Grandpa

Dear Puzzled: Kudos for stepping up and taking the blame. That’s not easy. Your children either didn’t fully believe your apology to be sincere or weren’t ready to hear it. Try getting the whole family together in person so you can state again how sorry you are and enlist the help of a counsellor or a religious adviser. But let go of any expectations. Prepare yourself mentally that these three children still may not want to hear it. Focus on what you can control: your attitude.

Daddy gives

Dear Annie: Our 39-year-old son is married with three children. Ever since he got married, he has been dealing with overbearing and intrusive in-laws.

My son and daughter-in-law were house hunting a few years ago and there was a home they wanted to check out. They mentioned it in her parents’ company. Before they saw it, her father, “Steve”, had purchased it for them. They might not have purchased the house after seeing it, as it was termiteinfested, had no working fireplaces and had a roof that needed replacing. They used the money they made selling their previous home for upgrades. Steve would not allow them to secure a loan to pay him back, so the house remains in his name.

Our son has a job with which he can support his family and good credit, so he can get loans at the bank. His wife goes along with whatever her parents say or want her to do. It is causing strife in our son’s marriage, plus it’s putting strain on our relationship.

The issue now is that our son’s job is relocating him to a different state. My daughter-in-law started looking online at homes in this city and found one she liked online. Our son notified us today that Steve purchased the home our daughter-in-law found online, sight unseen, for them to live in.

This behaviour is not allowing our son to be a husband, partner in decision-making and father to his children. What advice would you recommend we give him in this troubling time?

Concerned Parents

Dear Concerned: Wow. I had to pick my jaw up off the floor while reading your letter. You’re right that this Daddy-tothe-rescue dynamic is not conducive to a healthy marriage. But your son hasn’t expressed any of these frustrations to his wife. That lack of communication is more toxic than intrusive in-laws. Marriage counselling would offer him a safe space to express his feelings to his wife.

And given that she’s grown up thinking her dad’s behaviour is normal, it might take an objective third party to help her see that it’s not.