As long as it’s a bit better than last year
It’s that time of the year for columnists to suggest what could be in store for the next 12 months. However, things are so unpredictable at the moment even Nostradamus would struggle to come up with a half-decent forecast. Of course Thailand is not immune to the uncertainty although you wouldn’t rule out occasional “misappropriation of funds” or to use the correct technical term, “cooking the books.”
Let’s just hope things are a bit more enjoyable than the last couple of years which frankly have been a nightmare. At least the Chinese Year of the Tiger is regarded as one of the more auspicious in the Chinese cycle. The Tiger is said to represent strength, braveness and is capable of exorcising all evils. Well, best of luck with that. In fact the last Year of the Tiger in 2010 was a rather dodgy time in Thailand, so don’t get your hopes up too high.
Romanian-French playwright Eugene Ionesco might have had a point when he said “you can only predict things after they have happened”, but that has never deterred this column. So here are PostScript’s predictions for 2022 culled from the usual totally unreliable sources, prattlers, gossip-mongers, blabber-mouths and babblers.
January: Railway executives are advised to drop a proposed advertising campaign designed to boost the State Railway’s image that proclaims “This Is The Age of the Train”. The cautionary advice was prompted by fears that, considering the state of the rolling stock, it would be too tempting for disgruntled passengers to react on the lines of “ours was 105”.
February: Following the success of their performance as a backing group in last year’s surprise hit “Nakhon Nowhere Style” the Klong Toey Stray Dogs Choir released their own song “Barking For Democracy”. However it is banned after censors find the lyrics “too sensitive”. In addition they noted that some of the vocals were a bit “ruff”.
March: A Thai seafaring fantasy, Shallow Waters, earns an honourable mention at the Academy Awards. A lone Thai submarine fearlessly takes on an invading armada of prawns and uppity crabs in the Gulf of Thailand. Intriguing cameo role by an aircraft carrier without any aircraft.
April: A major development in the proposed legalisation of casinos. In a grand ceremony the five sub-committees announce that after 90 days of diligent mulling, probing, pondering, deliberating, cogitating and contemplating, their decision is not to make a decision. Five more sub-committees are set up to not make another decision.
May: In an emotional letter to Thai authorities Edith Clampton (Mrs) complains about a “very smelly fruit” that she had the misfortune to come across on the streets of Bangkok. She explains that just the slightest whiff of what she describes as a “big green spiky thing” makes her feel faint and puts her in a state of “extreme inelegance”. She adds that both her maid (Khun Hazel), and driver (Khun Parker) have been seriously affected by the “foul odour” and Parker actually threw up all over the front seat of her limousine making “a disgusting mess”.
June: Railway authorities announce that the Hua Lamphong railway station in Bangkok, which was supposed to have closed for good last December will now carry on operating forever. A harassed railway official says he is so fed up with people complaining about the station closure it’s easier to leave it open.
July: After desperate efforts to attract visitors tourist authorities complain that their campaign has in fact been far too successful and they are being swamped by holidaymakers. They admit they didn’t realise their new slogan “Amazingly Amazing” would prove so effective. To stem the tide they plan to come out with a modified slogan, “Well, Actually It’s Not That Amazing”.
August: The sound of “boing!” which features in just about every Thai television soap opera to point out alleged amusing moments is voted by an international panel as the world’s most irritating special effect. Silly whistles and assorted squishing noises which also proliferate in these shows are joint runners-up.
September: To mark the annual Anti-Corruption Day it is announced that all villains have vowed not to be involved in any crookery for at least 24 hours. There will be no shady deals or siphoning of funds, not even any oiling of the wheels. The public greets the news with a big yawn.
October: Thailand launches a new rail service named the “Pattaya Thunderbolt” inspired by the classic British film, The Titfield Thunderbolt. Using an old steam engine it is hoped the train might even become a tourist attraction itself. Officials admit it might be a bit on the slow side but it will get there in the end, which is not always the case with Thai trains.
November: There is concern in the Northeast after reports that the ghost responsible for the terrifying “shrinking willies” outbreak of 1997 had returned, causing much alarm among Isan menfolk. However, an intrepid team of ghost hunters from Nakhon Nowhere are quickly dispatched and reports of shrinking appendages thankfully cease.
December: A Met Office warning of a possible extended cold spell prompts a rush to buy winter woolies, fur coats, balaclavas, snow boots and thermal underwear. However, the public’s closest encounter with anything cold is likely to be the air-conditioning at the local mall.
Wishing all readers a Happy New Year. Let us hope this year is a bit more fun than 2021.