What’s re­ally await­ing ji­hadis in heaven?

The Nation - - OPINION & ANALYSIS -

Re: “Mar­tyrs may be dis­mayed to find them­selves in hell,” Have Your Say, yes­ter­day.

A Bangkok Athe­ist does well to mock the no­tion of the 72 vir­gins in Is­lam. I have stud­ied this topic, and be­lieve that they are all wiz­ened old hags in their 90s, wrin­kled and tooth­less, with with­ered dugs hang­ing down to their knees and in­sa­tiable sex­ual ap­petites born of their long vir­gin­ity. They have been placed in par­adise, not as a re­ward for ro­bust young ji­hadis, who fan­ta­sise that they will all be young, beau­ti­ful, and crafted along the lines of the youth­ful An­gelina Jolie, but as a re­ward for their own pro­longed chastity. That un­happy state oc­curred be­cause, even as youths, they were so preter­nat­u­rally ugly that even the most lust­ful male re­fused to go near them. Imag­ine the dis­may of the av­er­age ji­hadi when he finds out that he will be ex­pected to ser­vice 72 in­sa­tiable crones as of­ten as they wish. It would in­deed be hell for him.

There is a the­o­log­i­cal prob­lem here, be­cause these vir­gins must re­main such in per­pe­tu­ity, even af­ter the ji­hadis have wreaked their evil way with them. Hence the ne­ces­sity for a re­cy­cling mech­a­nism.

There are only 72 old vir­gins for each ji­hadi. There are 365 days in a year. As­sum­ing that the ji­hadi is an ab­stemious lad who will de­vir­ginate only one su­per­an­nu­ated vir­gin a day, that leaves 293 days in the year that they will go un­sated. So the used-up vir­gins will have to be re­cy­cled, pre­sum­ably with in­fin­itely re­new­able hy­mens. The whole sce­nario pro­vides rich food for spec­u­la­tion.

On a slightly dif­fer­ent topic, A Bangkok Athe­ist’s let­ter points up one of the prob­lems with athe­ism. It’s bor­ing. Once you’ve made your point that there’s noth­ing out there – noth­ing, nada, zero, zilch, mai mee arai – there’s noth­ing to talk about. All you can do is make fun of reli­gion. That’s easy to do, but it makes you de­pen­dent on reli­gion for any­thing worth talk­ing about.

Athe­ism is a nega­tive, no-fun, no-path to nowhere. To make it­self even slightly in­ter­est­ing, it has to el­e­vate mor­tal be­ings to quasi-di­vine sta­tus. This sub­verts its very pur­pose. It is also what the late, un­la­mented, athe­is­tic Soviet Union had to do. To make its athe­ism ide­o­log­i­cally in­ter­est­ing, it had to de­ify its ma­jor icons, Marx, Lenin, and Stalin: ugly guys with fa­cial hair. You want to wor­ship the Com­mu­nist Trin­ity? Be my guest. Ye Olde The­olo­gian

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from Thailand

© PressReader. All rights reserved.