WHY DO CHILDREN LIE?

When you catch your child lying, it is normal for you to feel betrayed, hurt, or angry. It might be the harbinger of problems, but it may also be a white lie.

When asking a child what makes it most sad, the child responding, “Being the apple of my mother’s eye because I don’t want to hurt my mother’s eye!” shows that the child is in the cognitive stage where it cannot yet differentiate between abstract and concrete concepts.

According to the famous theoretician Jean Piaget, children cannot tell the difference between what is imaginary and what is real until the age of six. That is to say, in theory, up to that age, children cannot lie like adults. Even though this information relieves parents, they would like to know why children lie and what underlies their lies. It is quite common for children aged 3-4 to come up with stories. Many parents worry, thinking their children are lying. However, these types of fabrications are a part of the cognitive development of the child and serve their creativity and imagination. Considering that an awareness of truth is yet to profess in the child, these aren’t lies in the true sense of the word and are entitled “pseudo-lies,” which is to say so-called, fake lies. In such instances, parents should, in no way, react negatively. Another type of lie is that which stems out of a lack of self-confidence, the type that is told to increase self-respect and get approval. You come across these quite often during childhood. If the required pedagogic measures are not taken, these can continue into adulthood. Even though, ignoring these lies up to age six is the right approach, you should be wary of them when you come across them after the age of six. Children who have low self-esteem and who are not valued enough by their mother or father in their household resort to these types of lies. On the other hand, children who perform poorly

in school can tell exaggerated lies to boost their self-esteem which has sustained blows.

For example, even though they didn’t score any goals, they may resort to a lie like, “On the weekend, we won the match 0-5. I scored all the goals.” This is done so as to gain the respect of their peers at school. It is also quite common for children with physical disabilities or other impairments to come up with these sort of lies. Even though, a bit of an increase should be considered normal in puberty, if they continue to tell lies with an increasing frequency, you should immediately seek the advice of an expert.

Resorting to telling lies to get attention and to get others to focus on them is another type of lying in children. It is a type of a lie that is quite easily noticed and discerned in a social setting but the underlying dynamics are not exactly clear. The lies that are told to get attention are observed in children not suffering from low selfesteem but those that suffer from anxiety and depression. Especially when it comes to the lies about health, the real aim of the subconscious is to get attention, to decrease existing levels of anxiety, and cope with the feeling of insignificance. The first thing parents who come across such a lie should do is to check their relationship with the child. If they spend little quality time with them and the emotional bonding is not satisfactory, some children can resort to these types of lies.

Another type of lie that you come across both in childhood and adulthood are those that are defensive in nature. In cases where children sense danger or punishment, the first thing they do is to resort to lying: “I did not do it!” Actually, it is a lie that is easy to cope with but if intense pressure within the family, harsh punishments, and criticism are the case, this type of lying turns into a habit.

In terms of lies that children tell by taking others as role models, they are innocent beyond doubt and the real perpetrators are the family and society who act as instigators. Such lies, which are considered “white lies” and are legitimized within the family and society, are the most important reason why lies continue into childhood and adulthood. In this regard, before reprimanding the child, first, the family and society should hold a mirror to themselves. If not, other lies cannot be prevented.

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a neurodevelopmental disorder that we hear about often. Impulsivity, one of the three subtypes of this disorder, is the subgroup where lies are encountered the most.Children who find it hard to control their impulses quite often say things that are inappropriate or incorrect. When that is the case, their first resort is to lie. They generally lie to defend themselves. The first preventive measure to be taken with regards to such children, should be to heal their impulsivity rather than encourage them to tell the truth. Among the children who lie, they are the most unfortunate group since apart from what’s listed above, the reason behind their behavior is their impulsivity. They can’t consciously lie in an organized manner, they lie automatically and many families punish them harshly thinking that they are doing it deliberately.

Here comes the hardest and most challenging group of lies: pathological lies. This is a type of lying disorder. Children suffering this type of disorder

lie almost naturally since to them lying is not something bad but an ordinary and natural thing. In cases where professional pedagogical and psychological support is not sought, lying becomes a part of their identity. These children have high chances of being diagnosed with a personality disorder in the future. When it is noticed, the child needs to get expert support for a prolonged period.

The first measure families should take is to make children sense the empowerment offered by the truth, by what is right, and by open communication. Under no circumstances, even when they find some of the developmental stages hard, should concessions be sanctioned in this moral virtue. The most effective way of achieving this is to be a good role model. Another important thing is letting children know that the lies told in certain developmental stages are not really lies but a part of their cognitive development and that they are transient.

Considering that questioning or cornering children when they come up with an expression or story that is not true can take its toll on their self-esteem, it is an ineffective approach that can lead to an increase in lying in the long run. Amongst these approaches the most dangerous is to label the child a “liar.” This label might keep a hold on the child for its entire life and even lead to lying becoming a part of his/her identity. Remember, a lie is a symptom that tells more about the family than the child.