MY SON IS MISSING HIS BROTHER
Since my elder son went off to study in the US, my younger one, who is 10, has changed a lot. He used to play sport but no longer does so, now spending time online and eating junk food. Please advise. A There are a number of issues at play here. I believe this young man is going through a fair amount of inner turmoil right now. I also suspect that although there’s a lot going on, in reality all the issues boil down to a single factor – that your elder son has moved away. That has hit him hard.
Siblings develop a close bond, and there’s evidence that siblings with wider age differences can develop particularly close ties. Older siblings are important as they provide a kind of ‘window into the future’ for the youngster and they fulfil a role somewhere between parent, friend and mentor. Therefore, him leaving has had an impact on your son’s view of his own world. In his mind his life balance and family structure has changed. Many kids find change difficult, especially at this age and the thought that he too will one day move on may well be playing on his subconscious mind. These emotions are probably not fully understood by him, so instead, have driven him to seek solace and self-soothe in other ways.
Your son has become a comfort eater and an emotional eater in one. He’s using food to make himself feel better. He’s pining for his brother and using food to offset his deep feelings of loss.
Your role is to change this with some positive actions and attitudes. It’s important for you as parents to consider how you’re speaking to him. Be careful that it is not a mostly negative narrative. It will be easier for him to make changes in a positive environment.
A technique I use when coaching my clients is to teach them how to know the difference between ‘Am I really hungry or do I just want to change how I feel?’ This is important, as identifying the ‘feel’ part means he will be able to stop automatically reaching for comfort foods.
You could also try and harness the way he speaks about food by suggesting he learn to cook, that he learns about healthy ingredients and develops innovative techniques with food. Teaching him the benefits of cooking healthily and putting him in control will serve as a distraction for his loneliness by keeping him focused on something new.
Getting him out in the open and enjoying some exercise as a by-product will add to his sense of well-being and get him feeling more body positive and confident. Do it as a family as this will allow him to see that though things change, family is a constant at the centre of everything.