A SLICE OF LIFE

Lori Borgman finds the funny in everyday life, writing from the heartland of the US. Now, if she could just find her car keys…

Our columnist Lori Borgman ponders letting her inner supermodel out in the New Year – but then someone hands her some chocolate...

They say the problem with New Year’s resolutions is that they go in one year and out the next. There is a way out of that vicious cycle – only make resolutions you know you can keep.

Take weight, for instance. Every year, people resolve to lose weight. We’ve all been lulled into thinking there’s a tall, thin supermodel inside of us waiting to be set free.

If there’s a supermodel inside me, I’m pretty sure I have destroyed her career with chocolate, cream sauces and pasta.

This year, I’m not making some silly resolution to lose weight. Instead, I am resolving to help my friends and family gain weight, thereby creating the optical illusion that I have grown smaller. Resolve smarter, not harder.

Take those resolutions about getting exercise and saving money. Why not combine two dreaded chores into the best of both? I resolve to get more exercise by ordering fewer things online and shopping brick and mortar stores more often, cruising up and down the aisles at a brisk pace searching for bargains.

Of course, doing less shopping online means more time in traffic. We live in an area with growing traffic congestion coupled with rude drivers. I resolve to be kind to others on the road who are not kind to me by telling myself that they are in the midst of some terrible medical emergency. I will wish them well getting to the hospital in a hurry.

The new year also brings a push to read more. Turning subtitles on while you watch a movie does not count. I read a lot. I have towering stacks of half-read books to prove it. My problem is not making time to read but remembering what it is that I’ve read.

At the close of every year there is also a nudge to learn the lyrics to Auld Lang Syne, a melancholy song that partygoers around the world muddle through at the stroke of midnight. Few know the words to Auld Lang Syne and those who do have no idea what the lyrics mean except for a handful in Scotland where the song originated.

For years, I thought people were singing about Old Lang Zine. I’d never heard of the fellow, but I pictured an old farmer in faded overalls and a straw hat, standing on some barren acreage with a few forlorn looking cattle.

This year I resolve to not memorise the lyrics nor pretend like I know the lyrics. I am resolving to sing my own song about a farmer who lost his land and his livestock and is looking forward to a more prosperous year as loudly as I please.

There is also a lot of talk about making resolutions to get more sleep. I should get more sleep, but my body doesn’t seem to mind and the coffee companies love me – although – I do sometimes take untimely cat naps. So, in the interest of self-care, I resolve to get more sleep, starting now.

We believe there’s a thin supermodel inside of us waiting to be set free. If there’s one inside me, I’m sure I have destroyed her career with chocolate...