Three mums in the UAE who have been helping their kids surmount various challenges serve as inspiration for other parents going through a crisis.

With Mother’s Day around the corner, Zenifer Khaleel meets three mothers in the UAE who are redefining the lives of their children with almost single-handed perseverance, spreading the message of hope to other parents who may be going through similar cris

With two daughters having Asperger’s syndrome and a son with autism, Filipino expat Mj Maria assumes the role of an autism advocate with due diligence.

Asperger’s falls within the autism spectrum. Strong verbal language skills and intellectual ability distinguish Asperger’s from other forms of autism. But it generally involves difficulty with social interactions.

A mother of four, Maria has been living in Abu Dhabi for the past 12 years. Her eldest daughter Sabrina, a 19-year-old pre law student is intellectually and artistically aware.

Her second daughter Sarah was a bit shy growing up but went through all the right milestones and enjoyed mainstream school. ‘When she entered 5th grade, she suddenly exhibited difficulties in the classroom setting and socialisation situations. At first we attributed it to regular growing pains. Then we noticed that her writing and reading skills suffered, letters and numbers were written backwards. She became so afraid of lessons and being embarrassed that she actually started to stutter. Her confidence started slipping,’ says Maria.

Although Maria was initially devastated ‘we decided to fight it and not just give up. Her father, Junal Abdullah, a securities compliance officer, was in the forefront. We made arrangements to support her in school, spoke with other parents for help with their kids, and also academic tutorials after school. We made her understand that while grades and scores are fantastic, it did not measure her worth. It wasn’t easy for her or for us. I was elected as a PTA officer because I was so visibly active in school and voicing for parents with similar fears and concerns.’

Sarah was still falling behind in lessons, had a problem with concentrating and developed anxiety. ‘She then felt bullied and left out by faster and more “worldly aware” batch mates. But when we broke down lessons in the house, gave her time to take it in without pressure, she began to understand even advanced concepts. That’s when we realised she somehow had a different method of learning. She was more visually creative. She had to see, to fully understand concepts in relation to reality rather than just vague and general writings on the board.’

Their son Saud, who suffered a traumatic birthing, was the most obvious case as he regressed in verbal communications and direct interaction by the time he turned 4. ‘His conventional verbal communications never caught up,’ says Maria.

With their third daughter, nine year old Shahana, it was more or less expected since she went through a noticeable period of verbal withdrawal. ‘It wasn’t as traumatic like Sarah, she caught up quickly with communication skills. General academic delay is still there,’ says Maria.

‘With each diagnosis, we felt crushed and afraid. Seeing the diagnoses in paper, made it feel very real; we were worried for each of our children and their future.’

Soon Maria realised that the girls were creative visual learners and Saud was a spatial visual learner. This means the girls learn quickly through video demonstrations,

even complicated concepts and instructions. Sarah learned to knit and make videos and graphics via youtube. Shahana is quick to grasp conversations and emotions. Saud has a love and quick ability to arrange and see patterns, like forming puzzles.

‘It is difficult and painful as a parent to see your beautiful children regress or stay within a particular level of skills sets or development stage while peers have gone onwards by leaps and bounds. You can’t help it. Especially since autism and Aspergers are “invisible disabilities” as they say. You cry a lot. At first, You feel anger and frustration. You feel as if you failed somehow.’

But there are big heart moments that make life worth living. ‘When they express love and complete trust to you. Special needs children have a special love connection, an empathy and expression of feelings going beyond verbal or written words. It brings hope.

‘We finally opted for homeschool or “unschooling”, because we were able to understand their needs and teach the kids better within the physical safety and emotional stability offered at home.’

Maria admits that the initial homeschooling days were tough especially without facility support or academic structure. ‘Then there was the judgment from ironically, those who do not know anything about the concepts and flexibility of homeschooling. Plus the cultural and social pressures to meet “traditional” educational achievements and expectations,’ she says.

‘I wanted to focus on basics; mental health, physical safety awareness, life skills, practical concepts, kindness and manners, real life values and general knowledge. It’s a daily fluid experience wherein we all learn something. It’s a mix of structure and spontaneity. We know that not everyone would agree with it but our children are learning, thriving and know they are loved. They don’t know “everything” but they aren’t ignorant or “uneducated”.’

Thanks to these persistent efforts, the children are all very affectionate and openly loving. What’s more, the girls are aware of their “special qualities” and understand that it is not a barrier or shameful. ‘We no longer compare or base progress on charts by “experts”. We know our children and we are fighting for their best interests. As a family and individuals, we thrive and grow with the happiness and strength that life builds within them.’

But their life is not without challenges, most of them rising from the stigma around homeschooling in their home country and of course, lack of understanding about autism. ‘Homeschooling was viewed with suspicion that the kids were slow or backwards, lonely losers or even as child abuse and deprivation.’ says Maria. But over the years, she has become very vocal and open about her disappointment about the way her community views special needs. ‘Some families refuse to accept when one of their own exhibits the signs. This is automatically and cruelly labelled as an abnormality, a mental illness, something to be hidden, a curse on the family etc.’

However, the family is very grateful for the community spirit of safety and acceptance in the UAE ‘It is one of the main reasons we are still here. Not just awareness but actual inclusion of individuals with special needs. You can feel that there is a more open-minded readiness to help. There is warmth and true concern. Maybe it could be raised one step more in the giving and inclusion part, not as charity but on the humanity aspect.

‘Special needs families are productive and pull our own weight and have lots to contribute to society but we are also drowning in different ways; financial and emotional being at the forefront. We just need a truly inclusive helping hand to bolster us. A plea for more concrete practical help as everything is at cost facilities, therapies, more support and inclusion to all families and individuals contributing to this community and society, hopefully regardless of nationality.’ says Maria.

Maria and her family are very grateful for the community spirit of safety and acceptance in the UAE. ‘It is one of the main reasons we are still here. Not just awareness but actual inclusion of individuals with special needs.’