The algebra of name-calling

Ihave dozens of ID cards if you include my first-grade report card, my laundry bills and the governmentissued ones. You can discount the laundry bill because, depending on my mood, I write down my name as “James

Bond”, or “Umberto Eco” or “Kareena Kapoor”. The first-grade report is made out to someone called “Sursh”; clearly that isn’t me either.

The few official ID cards aren’t very helpful either. One does not tell you what my first name is, another misspells my second name, and a third has a middle name that looks like – and I am borrowing from a stand-up comic here – the last tiles of a Scrabble game that didn’t fit anywhere.

I also briefly had a passport that insisted my name was Byrappa and that I was nine years old. I had to prove – this was five years ago – that I was older, and get the United Nations to certify that before I could get a real passport in my real name (which it jumbled up but I was beyond caring by then). And, this is the saddest part – I had to return the Byrappa passport. My nine-year-old heart was broken.

I have a childhood friend we called “Anil” (he even looked like an Anil) who, years later, turned out to be named Nicholas. I was irritated at the time, but thought he displayed sturdy good sense. He hated the name “Nicholas”, and preferred “Anil”, so he ensured everybody called him that. This is an excellent idea.

Let all names till the age of 10 be temporary, and at that age let the child decide what he would like to be known as.

Parents are given too much power in this naming business. I mean, see what Elon Musk and his partner have done to their son (or is it daughter?) by naming him (or her) X AE A-12. Yes, read that again. Imagine going through school, college, life known as X AE A-12. Clearly here’s a child who might want to change his/her name as soon as he/she can talk. I suspect apart from Musk, some other parents might also be happy at this original name.

These are parents who gave their children such names as North West, Pilot “Standard”, Apple, Audio Science. They are off the hook now.

But you can’t rule out their competitive streak. To be knocked off the pedestal as the worst baby-namers might cause them to find names for their next child that will make X AE A-12 look ordinary. The sound of a trumpet playing a note would be original. Or an abstract drawing.

I hadn’t realised till now what a blessing it is to carry an unimaginative name.

Suresh Menon isa writer based in India. In his youth he set out to change the world but later decided to leave it as it is.