ON THAT NOTE
Don’t feel the need to wear a mask? Our columnist Suresh Menon will tell you how wrong you are... in no uncertain terms.
Ihave lost more friends in this past year than I made in the previous five. And the reason is simple. Corona virus. No, these friends (exfriends, now) didn’t contract the virus or pay the ultimate price. We merely happened to be on opposite sides of the mask debate, and I didn’t hesitate to call them out when they walked around without wearing one.
The first time I said something like, “Wear a mask please, don’t take chances,” and they smiled like they were encountering a slightly unstable second cousin who had some good qualities even if this mask evangelism was irritating.
By the fourth or fifth time, all good manners were thrown aside. “You mind your own business you so-and-so,” was the milder of the responses then. I even heard one of them mutter ‘Zorro’ under his breath.
There is a delightful expression in some Indian languages that is used in situations like these: What goes of your father? This is a literal translation of an untranslatable phrase that roughly means, “What’s your problem buddy?” It can be devastating when delivered with a sneer and a slight raising of one eyebrow. I got a lot of those too.
Even those who – finally – wore masks weren’t safe from my lectures if the masks covered merely the chin and only occasionally the mouth. “If you don’t stick your nose in it, I will stick my nose in it,” I said, explaining why I was the Mask Adjuster in Chief of the community. It was a self-appointed role, and didn’t come with any salary. But the chance to occupy the moral high ground was worth the free service. That, and the possibility that we might check the spread of the virus.
Then I went one step further and invited questions if anyone felt they needed clarifications. And that’s when it really started. Again, it began innocently enough with stuff like: “Should the colour of my mask match the colour of my shoes?” And “Can I sneeze into your face next time I see you?”
Soon it got ugly. Name-calling, exchange of family secrets, threats, and the brick wrapped in a mask thrown through the window. I sent myself a resignation letter, accepted it, and quit my post, many friendships destroyed beyond repair.
England’s Queen Mary I who lost Calais to the French is reported to have said, “When I am dead, you will find ‘Calais’ written on my heart.” I think what will be written on my heart is: “Wear a mask you so-and-so”.
The other day I watched the movie which earned Anthony Hopkins the Oscar. I was astounded to see that he wore no mask. Clearly my work isn’t done.
Even those who wore masks weren’t safe from my lectures if the masks covered merely the chin. “If you don’t stick your nose in it, I will stick my nose in it.”