Don’t outsource the ‘bad’ cop behaviour

Normally I talk about how parents approach me with issues at home and their struggles with kids, or their kids’ issues. This week was quite unique; a teacher approached me to help understand parents better. She had been tearing her hair out with the requests parents made of her. Her observation was that they have stopped parenting their kids and only wish to “befriend” their children. They constantly asked her to be gentle with their children, not be too demanding or pressurise them for academic work. Obviously, these parents suffer from various insecurities and fears. Often parents want to be perceived as “cool” by their children. They fear their child might do something impulsive if they are too strict. They do not want to be “bad” parents by enforcing boundaries or meting out consequences. Some have gone to the extent of telling her and other teachers to be soft and gentle with their child in their communication. Yet, at the same time, they want her to discipline their children — carry out the “bad” parenting duties — so that they can remain the “cool” parent. I am sure she does not speak for the majority of parents, but the ones who are cushioning the falls of their children are doing them a disservice. Meanwhile, something similar was voiced by children I recently coached. During a goal-setting workshop for teens, many expressed the desire to be “like friends” with their parents and to have an “equal relationship”. But what they actually need to understand is respect is a key component of the parent-child relationship and it is not only the child communicating with respect, but the parent, too. Friendships happen among peers and their parents’ primary role is to create and enforce healthy boundaries. At the same time, it’s healthier if, as teens, not every thought that crosses one’s mind or everything that happens in school is communicated to one’s parents. Those parents who disagree need to reflect on their own teen years and remember how they hid things from their parents because of the consequences. Children develop social skills by learning to keep the little secrets of their friends and being loyal. Running to mummy or daddy with every little thing, good or bad, and seeking their opinion will take away from their own decision-making skill development. (Exception being cases where there is any kind of abuse.) Being a confident parent who shows respect and dignity need not be exclusive to open heart-to-heart communication and healthy boundaries. To shy away from your parenting duty and to expect teachers to carry out the bad parent duties would not bode well for your child’s future. You need to take back the reigns of parenting.

Running to parents with little things will take away from decisionmaking skill development.

— Sunaina Vohra is a certified Youth and Family Life Coach at Athena Life Coaching in Dubai. For more information log on to athenalifecoaching.com or call 056-1399033.