Case of ‘abandoned aptitude’
Sunaina Vohra helps you keep parenting sane and simple, and guides you to trust your intuition — because, no one knows your child like you do
Amother was brave enough to share her experience during one of my workshops on how to motivate your child for success in school and beyond. She told us how because she was a lawyer she pushed her son to pursue debating and related extra-curricular activities. Those were the skills that made her successful and she was convinced would help her child too.
After a couple of weeks she got a call from the supervising teacher who told her that her son was not enjoying the class and instead of pushing him, he thought it would be advisable she take up adult public speaking classes — an offer she could not debate with. Obviously the teacher was experienced enough to gauge the predicament of the child from his participation — or none thereof — and was perceptive enough to understand where the suggestion for the debating class was originating from. Kudos to the teacher for saying it as it is and the parent for receiving it just as well, learning a lesson on giving the child the space to pursue his strengths rather than superimpose hers.
Every time I bring up the subject of abandoned aptitude (talents parents weren’t allowed to pursue themselves) most parents realise the futility of what they are doing and what it does to the family environment is simply add stress and anxiety instead of openness and encouragement. It is like trying to fit a square peg in a circle.
Your child will in all probability not be fulfilling your alternate profession nor your abandoned aptitude. Also, if you have been successful in a particular profession it does not necessarily mean that would be the only career choice for your child because he will have your guidance and support.
Recently a teenager who was not faring well at college came to me. She actually switched colleges and professional courses because her father convinced her that if she followed his profession he would can guide her through college and ensure a job placement for her. The bait of a relatively easy college life followed by a job placement was too good to resist. I cannot fathom how this girl is going to ever be able to be self motivated to pursue anything in life, as whatever she is doing is based on a fast track laid out by her father who suffers from fear of failure of his only child.
Many of the children I have coached — my own included — have shared why they do not wish to pursue professional choices made by their parents. Teenagers say they want to distance themselves and create a separate identity as unlike their parents as possible. So if you are a doctor don’t be surprised if your teen wants to be an advertising professional or a painter. The idea is that parents should create a space for the child to excel rather than fulfil unrealised dreams of their own and live a life of mediocrity and frustration.
“Teenagers say they want to distance themselves and create a separate identity as unlike their parents as possible