‘I WAS SCARED OF THE WORLD’

The world went sideways before it blurred. Age 10. My long affair with social phobia had just begun.

I’ve grown up being told stories of how, as I child, if I saw more than the four faces I loved – mum, dad, brother and the maid — I would cry and flail hysterically. But it was when I walked into that room with people I did not know — even now I cannot say how many there were — did I seriously think something was wrong.

In India — as I am sure elsewhere — there is no such thing as a people phobia; there are only ‘stubborn people who are not trying hard enough’.

Quiet. Gloomy. Haughty. Snob. The words would filter through the cobwebs of my ears and settle with hammerlike hits on my ear drums. I would not allow myself to be a good student — it may mean speaking up in class. Mediocrity and I became best friends. Oh and we had our solitude.

Years passed in this gloom. Finally, prodded by feelings of depression, rage (coupled with some substance abuse) and thoughts of death, I ventured into a doctor’s office.

I was immediately given a pill. A magic dose that suddenly made the world stop shaking just because someone was addressing me. I could write and show my work to people...

I’m still figuring out what comes next. But at least I can walk into a room with my head up now. And smile.

I would not allow myself to be a good student — it may mean speaking up in class. Mediocrity and I became best friends. Oh and we had our solitude.”