Over-parenting vs quality parenting
The hovering parents’ attitude strikes at the root of a child’s mental and cognitive development. When parents intervene even before the child can attempt to regulate their emotion or behaviour, it means that the child is not getting an opportunity to deal with the situation on their own.
In contrast, quality parenting provides guidance, but not precise
instructions, on how to solve an academic or personal problem.
For example, let’s say there’s a problem and the child needs to tackle it. Helicopter parents will come up with solutions right away. Quality parenting, on the other hand, will prod the child with questions that will elicit various possible solutions from the child — not from the parents.
This approach also helps the child see the pros and cons of different solutions. “This makes the child self-reliant and confident,” says Dr Sankar.
“It equips children to make decisions on their own, gives them space to manage difficult situations and emotions independently and guides them when the task becomes too difficult to manage on their own,” she explained.
Dr Sankar however stressed that parental responses have to be developmentally appropriate.
“Each developmental stage needs different levels of involvement from the parent. Parental Frustration tolerance is the ability of a child to wait for the things that are attainable and also realise that some things will not be attainable at that moment and that they must wait. reactions that are appropriate at toddlerhood become inappropriate in pre-adolescence,” she added. “As children grow up, they no longer need the same kind of parental involvement they used to get before.”
‘Frustration tolerance’
Also, as children transition to adolescence, parents should be aware of this transition and be mindful about handling children differently. “Not providing a solution to your child does not mean that you are neglecting your child. On the other hand, if your child has not developed frustration tolerance, he or she may perceive life as stressful when they need to accept limitations that are normal for adult life,” she explained.
Frustration tolerance is the ability of a child to wait for the things that are attainable and also realise that some things will not be attainable at that moment and that they must wait for them.
Developing frustration tolerance builds resilience in children, helping them grow up into more responsible adults.
At the same time, Dr Sankar says that parents need to be aware of the vulnerabilities that may come in the way while bringing up self-confident children. “They need to allow children to sometimes struggle and fail as well as face some amount of frustration.
“However, when they need help, support them.”