Borrowing? Till debt do us part

WHEN UNRETURNED MONEY TARNISHES RELATIONSHIPS, WHAT CAN YOU DO?

When unreturned money tarnishes relationships, what can you do? Where do you draw the line? |

On September 20 an Asian man, who burned his friend’s car in July for not returning his money, was sentenced to be deported after serving a three-month jail term and paying a fine of Dh11,000.

What started out as an act of kindness to his friend turned into a vengeful act of arson.

The accused set his friend’s car ablaze after the latter delayed paying his debt and ignored his calls. The accused needed the money back for his sick wife.

Lumi, a Pakistani expatriate, is also one of those who have been driven to the brink many a time after lending money to friends in need.

Over the years, he has lent nearly Dh100,000 — some of it he had to borrow from other friends — to help friends save their businesses, renew their trade licences, get a phone line, or pay their rent or car instalment. Not everyone repays though.

“The big problem is I lend with a clean heart so I don’t ask for cheques or guarantees. I treat them as brothers. Help them and God will help you,” Lumi, 30, told Gulf News. “But I end up suffering and paying for their debt.”

Lumi said he lost two friends along the way.

“I don’t care about getting the money coming back from them anymore. He was angry with me because I was asking him to pay me back because I could see how luxurious his lifestyle was.”

Lumi finally stopped lending five months ago. He only gives a small portion of the amount genuinely needed as charity.

Common practice

The practice of borrowing and lending transcends cultures and time, said Dr Rimma Sabban, a sociologist and associate professor at Zayed University. Whether it be a missing ingredient, a tool or a lawnmower, knocking on a friend or neighbour’s door in an integrated community is common practice.

Borrowing money, however, is a different issue on its own as it can either make or break a friendship, sometimes even family ties.

“It’s a practice you can find among people who are close to each other or are working together. But then also, there are people who borrow but don’t return the money and they become tainted,” Dr Sabban told Gulf News.

“Borrowing money is not good or bad. There is no value added. We add the value.”

When do we draw the line?

Helping a friend in genuine need is a good thing. But if the friend becomes a chronic borrower, lending him or her money is equivalent to enabling bad behaviour, Nathan McFarlane, a Dubai-based financial planner, said.

“Everyone wants to help people. You can’t take that part of human nature out of us. If someone is in serious trouble, if it’s a one-off thing like they lost their job or something, they’ll lend once,” McFarlane, also the founder and CEO of financial advisory firm Filpera, told Gulf News.

“But if it’s a chronic borrower, the best lesson he or she could be given is to say ‘no’, so he or she will have to struggle but, in the struggle, realise a way to make it work and learn to stand on his or her own feet.”

McFarlane said the loan amount is not the issue. Whether it’s Dh50 or Dh1,000, it needs to be returned with priority. This means if you owe a friend and a bank, your obligation is to pay your friend first because there is emotional attachment to the transaction. This is not so with the bank.

For some people, saying ‘no’ comes easy. For those who just can’t, it’s a matter of developing that resolve, McFarlane said.

“Chronic borrowers have to lose this attitude that ‘someone else will help me’. But it all goes back to people who lend. They must learn to say ‘no’ because the cycle continues if they continue to lend over and over to the same person. At the end of the day, your own financial well-being is more important than someone else’s.”