Feeling of watching your kids take off
That was tiring, I told my cousin as I held my hand to my chest to calm myself. My cousin handed me a glass of cold water and I downed it in one gulp. It took me more than a couple of seconds to compose myself and when I finally looked up, I saw my cousin’s questioning looks.
“I have been driving,” I sighed.
“Wow. Congratulations,” she beamed.
“No. We were three of us driving one car,” I explained, “Sid, his father and I, with no access to the wheel.”
The whole group burst out laughing — more so because, I cannot drive and nobody understood, how, with no sense of the basics could I remotely know what it means to steer the vehicle on the roads.
I have never driven a vehicle. A few years ago, I mustered up the courage to set the car in motion, after which, I decided that it wasn’t meant for me. But, when Sid decided to learn this skill, I yielded albeit cautiously because my own fears and anxieties threw up numerous scenarios from movies and soap operas. I struggled a bit and put up a straight face every time Sid headed out to driving school. I knew then, that at some point, I would have to make peace with Sid’s ability to move the car. But then, again, I had forgotten that Time has a way of sneaking up from behind when you are least aware.
“Even the authorities think I can drive ma. You shouldn’t hesitate,” Sid smiled mischievously as he flashed the little card with his name and picture.
I chuckled under my breath even as I struggled to make peace with the change of person behind the wheel. I followed Sid to the car dutifully and I settled behind him while his father sat next to him. I watched Sid — his small shoulders barely visible from where I sat. I wanted to hold him, feel him but I sat still as the engine purred to life. A strange sense of pride swept over my face that gave way to a weak smile. “I am going to cherish this,” I rubbed my hands and took a deep breath in.
At first, the drive was smooth. It felt great — Sid’s deft hands on the wheel had me grin from ear to ear but nothing in the world had prepared me for what would happen in the next couple of minutes. I winced, I fumbled with my fingers, tightened my whole self and I pressed on imaginary brakes.
Spark in the eyes
When a large truck zoomed past us, I stopped myself from grabbing Sid and holding him close to myself. Naturally, when we reached my cousin’s place, I sank into the couch to calm myself. But, Sid was thrilled. As I watched him, something inside me softened. I could see the little man Sid was fast becoming — confident with a spark in his eyes. “Brave enough to ride back with me?” Sid’s eyes twinkled at the end of the evening. I fumbled with my fingers and dusted the lint off my dress and I simply nodded.
As we drove back home, I realised for the first time that I was never driving from behind. I was simply Sid’s mum. My heart tugged hard and I longed for the little boy he used to be — happy talking to imaginary friends and driving cars on the kitchen floor. I wanted to hold him, protect him, keep him safe in my arms always but then, I also realised I have to do the hardest job of letting him go — to believe in him, his ability, his instincts.
As Sid turned the car towards home, I decided to not “drive”. I took a deep breath and decided to fix my eyes on the phone because that is all I could do. Perhaps, that is all I have to do for now because letting go needs time and I don’t know how to do that. Not yet.