CAN YOU DEFEND YOURSELF?

Keeping your emotions under control during confrontations can bring about far more benefits for everyone concerned — and keep things from turning downright ugly

Throughout my career, I have helped people develop a wide range of cognitive and behavioural skills and competencies. Surprisingly, one of the most common traits that people lack or underuse is their ability to defend themselves. At some point or another, we’ve all experienced disempowerment, regardless of age, gender or cultural background. There’s no doubt that being treated unfairly hits directly at our emotional epicentre; however, many of us aren’t able to effectively confront our assailants. We may lash out and lose control — or feel a sense of paralysis that prevents us from responding appropriately on the spot. In the case of the latter, we end up carrying around our fury, which can spill into other dimensions of life and pollute otherwise healthy relationships.

Since we are emotionally intelligent and able to control our impulses, to varying degrees, our first response after feeling wounded or offended should be more carefully managed — as opposed to allowing ourselves to be psychologically hijacked by situations. In a 2012 article for Psychology Today, California-based clinical psychologist Dr Leon F Seltzer states, “In the moment of psychological upset, you’re far more likely to succumb to the urge to either directly defend yourself or to counterattack. In the very second you realise you’re beginning to lose your cool, ask yourself a question: a question that almost no one even considers posing to themselves. And it’s not about yourself at all, but about the one who provoked you. Here it is: ‘Before this person pushed my button, which one of their buttons might I have pushed?’”

He goes on to explain that, “Shifting from the role of reactive ‘emotionalist’ to that of scientist, you’re actually training your brain to stay with the more adult, rational part of yourself, in order not to let the present situation get the better of you.”

So, regardless of whether you provoked the situation or not, maintaining emotional control during such situations brings about far more benefits for everyone, both in the shortand long-term. Often, that’s exactly what antagonists want: to push your buttons and see you lose control. When this happens, they get confirmation that they have been successful in getting under your skin. When being mistreated, what are some of the reasons people don’t defend themselves? It could be because they: • Have low self-esteem or confidence

• Are passive

• Usually shy away from confrontation

• Don’t know their rights

• Don’t fight for their rights

• Have had bad experiences in the past when they’ve tried to defend themselves

• Are afraid of the consequences of what might happen if they do stand up for themselves

• Feel weak, helpless or silenced

• Feel responsible because they’re blamed and accused abusively

• Have become accustomed to being treated poorly by different people in their lives The moment you accept that preserving your dignity is a skill that can be developed and improved, you will begin a new chapter in your life about the way you manage yourself and your relationships.

Here are a few strategies that can support you as you become more willing to change your style of responding to, and resolving, conflict:

• Practise being more assertive. Functionally, assertiveness sits in between being passive and aggressive. It’s one of the most effective communication styles, because it lets you speak in a firm and judicious manner, with the aim of maintaining empathy and fairness.

• Set clear boundaries. Right from the start of the altercation, outline which behaviours you will and will not tolerate. For example, you could say, “If you continue shouting or swearing, I will not continue this conversation. Calm down if you want us to talk.”

• Know when to walk away. Abusive comments, false accusations and negative remarks can have a long-lasting effect on our wellbeing because, unfortunately, such discourse tends to stick to us like Velcro. You don’t have to fall into psychological traps by remaining and listening to a barrage of verbal attacks — it’s a choice.

• Keep your peace, when necessary. Sometimes, it helps to stay silent and just observe the inappropriate behaviour and language. Silence sometimes acts as a mirror, because the aggressor usually doesn’t anticipate a lack of reaction and may, therefore, become more self-conscious about his/her actions, gradually calming down or even retracting certain accusations or claims.

• Ask questions. Not only does this help you get more information about the matter, resulting in clarification of doubts and misunderstandings — but it also shifts the conversation away from emotional tagging, in order to have a more rational discussion.

• Involve an objective other. Sometimes, an aggressor may need another individual, as a mediator, to highlight certain aspects of their dysfunctional behaviour.

When considering difficult conversations and self-defence, it’s not a good idea to generalise or try and come up with a one-size-fitsall formula. Different situations and personalities will create a kaleidoscope of scenarios and outcomes.

However, what remains constant is your value system and aspiration to be treated fairly and with the respect that you deserve. Once you have made this commitment, the other strategies will mindfully follow.