Conversational hiccups? Learn communication skills

Everyone’s experienced those awkward social moments when there’s an overly long pause in the conversation or you’ve inadvertently interrupted the other person. These social gaffes can occur in face-toface interactions, but are far more likely to happen when on the phone because you can’t read nonverbal signals of facial expression or body language. Even video chats can be punctuated with uncomfortable silences and the feeling that you’ve spoken too soon, again because you’re not able to take advantage of the cues you would get by being in the room with the other person.

But why should conversation flow be so important? Because, it builds positive feelings between group members, who like each other better when they feel they are communicating on the same wave lengths. A fluent exchange with another person may be a positive experience because it is so effortless. And these interpersonal relationships add up to stronger feeling of connection to the group as a whole.

On the other hand, according to University of Groningen’s Namkje Koudenberg and colleagues conversational hiccups, all too common, can have serious life consequences. They cite the example of a video call interview with a job applicant. The applicant may get all the questions “right,” but still not get the job because of lack of conversational flow. The result could be: “She seems a bit distant or aloof and does not seem very enthusiastic as it takes her some time to respond — or laugh about your jokes.”

Through the process of “grounding,” the Dutch researchers note that we establish a shared reality with the people in our social world. This process involves validating shared viewpoints which promotes a sense of identification between conversational partners. They use the term “solidarity” to refer to the emerging sense of “wellness” that a conversation marked by flow can help establish.

So what are the factors that promote conversational flow. Let’s begin with the nonverbal components of communication. You can help bond with your conversation partners through such processes as nodding, smiling, and leaning forward, particularly if you take care to mimic the nonverbal behaviours of your conversation partner. In your verbal communication, if you accommodate to the way in

The longer a group is together, the more flow interruptions it can afford to make without threatening group’s identity

which the other person speaks, you can promote the bonding process. The body participates in the wellness formation process as well.

“Behavioral matching” occurs when you adopt the posture of the person to whom you’re speaking. Even more cementing between yourself and the other person occurs if those mirroring moments happen to occur at the same precise moment in time. For example “dyads walking down a lane tend to synchronise their steps, and football fans often chant simultaneously.” Getting in sync with the other person’s movements can lead to “blurring of psychological boundaries”.

Taking turns in conversation is the next area that the Groningen researchers investigated. Both interruptions and long pauses take their toll on your sense of connection with conversation partners. Finding that rhythm with the other individual’s stops and starts is similar to the physical synchronisation patterns shown in your body language or actual movements. Conversational flow affects group identity, further, by regulating social norms within the group. Hugging, kissing, or a simple nod of recognition: which do your various social groups use as forms of greeting? If you’re a hugger and this group is not, you’ll soon learn to refrain from what seems like an overly familiar type of greeting.

Gestures, word choice, and other elements of communication also signal the status hierarchy within the group. If you’re a new member of a group, or of lower status than everyone else, you will be less likely to interrupt other people than if you’re at the top of the power structure.

The longer a group has been together, though, the more flow interruptions they can afford to make without threatening either the individuals in the group or the group’s identity. When you’re enjoying lunch with your oldest friends, you’ll be less likely to fuss if someone interrupts you. You and your friends will be better able to regulate conversational flow, but violations won’t be disruptive to the sol idity of your feelings you have toward each other unless they happen repeatedly, in which case the group may be in the early stages of dissolution. —Psychology Today

Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D, is professor of Psychological and Brain Sciences at University of

Massachusetts Amherst