What couples can do when they feel boxed in at home
It took Peter and Leslie, married four years, by surprise. It was a vague discomfort, a yearning for time alone and personal space, that led to tension and fighting over minor things. No, they weren’t quarantining at home from the coronavirus. They had recently moved into a small starter home. New to the area, they had few friends and, thanks to long commutes, little free time. While they enjoyed their evenings and weekends together, they found themselves craving time to themselves.
Couples claustrophobia can happen at any time in a relationship — perhaps when a couple is first married or living together and struggling to find a balance between time apart and time shared or, after retirement.
How can couples of all ages create a balance of time together and time alone? Some may carve out personal spaces at home for quick retreats when they feel the need for some solitary time. This, of course, becomes harder when there are young children in the family.
Honouring each other’s needs for time alone and time to pursue one’s own interests can make life together, in retirement or in coronavirus lockdown, more harmonious. While those two situations are quite different in many ways, the increased togetherness, the loss of work routines, and uncertainty about what comes next can be somewhat similar.
In both instances, there can be a sense of loss of the life you knew before this major event. So what can you do when you and your partner love each other dearly but find constant togetherness hard to take?
Find or rediscover interests, hobbies. Don’t expect your spouse to take full responsibility for keeping life interesting. Look for activities that engage your interest and skills in a new way.
Make positive lifestyle changes. Maybe you can divide the household work to create more leisure for both. Unless one of you prefers to take on or retain the total responsibility for these tasks, it makes sense to renegotiate.
Structure as well as freedom. Transitioning from the structure of life as you knew it before the coronavirus or in your work life to the very new world of confinement or retirement (or both!) can be unexpectedly tough. Ease the passage with some structure: a morning workout at home, a time to read the newspaper, a time to do housework or scroll through social media or Facetime with friends or pursue special interests or hobbies.
Give each other a break. You don’t have to share all your interests. But it can help to be supportive of each other’s choices.
Don’t expect your spouse to meet all your needs. Though your husband or wife may be your best friend, closest companion, and true love throughout your marriage, it’s quite likely that from youth to older age, friends and family members have enriched your days as well. Embracing all the love in your life can enhance your happiness both together and apart.
Having more time together is a dream for many of us — but it can take careful planning, personal reflection, and talking together about daily tasks, activities, and priorities to make sure that your time together reflects this dream of togetherness — not a claustrophobic nightmare.