SHANIERA AKRAM DECODED
I’m finding myself in an increasingly fragile state of mind these days. I try to keep my composure, but my peace is constantly disrupted by the people around me. How can I keep this from happening? — Dheeraj Dear Dheeraj, it sounds like you are in a difficult situation where you are feeling emotionally fragile, trying not to break down, while the people around you are constantly disrupting you.
I would like to encourage you to discover and address the reasons that make you feel fragile. Maybe you could spend some time journalling on what is going on with you. You can start by looking at your job situation, your family, and your social life. Also, have a close look at how much ‘me time’ you have and really think about whether you are meeting your own needs. Sometimes, a person who gives too much can wind up feeling empty and fragile on the inside. That is why it is so important for you to maintain a healthy balance between giving and attending to your own needs.
Next, I would like to address how you feel about the people around you. I see that they are disruptive to you, and that is disturbing your peace and composure. It could be that they are the sole source of your emotional fragility, but usually there are more aspects to consider. It is important to your recovery to learn to set strong boundaries with people. You can use positive communication to signal a definite no, such as, “I am not available now, but we can talk tomorrow morning.” Alternatively, you can say, “I am relaxing, please give me the space and time to do so.” I would also encourage you to open communication about how you are feeling when you are disrupted by others, thereby setting the tone for mutually respectful behaviour.
My friend recently revealed to me that she wants to selfharm when upset. It has been quite a shock to discover this. The matter is quite serious and I don’t know how to help her. Please tell me how to handle this without breaking her trust. — Name withheld
Dear Friend, thank you for reaching out to me to help your friend! And may I say that you are indeed a good friend.
It is evident that your friend trusts you, because people who think about self-harm, or who might be self-harming, can experience a great deal of shame and guilt. That you want to maintain this trusting relationship while helping your friend is very understandable; and, indeed, trust makes all the difference. You most likely are aware that underlying such thoughts and behaviours are seemingly overwhelming and unmanageable feelings. Your friend will benefit from being able to talk to you about her feelings and the situations that trigger them. The best support you can give her is to encourage her to talk about her thoughts and feelings, and to listen to her in an empathetic, nonjudgmental way. Talking about things will give her relief and bring down the level of intensity, so that her feelings will become manageable in healthy ways.
Together, you can explore other ways of coping with difficult feelings, such as journalling, spending time with trusted friends, engaging in self-soothing activities like a warm bath, or spending time in nature. It will be good for her to design her own unique recovery programme so that she can be safe from self-harm.
Encourage her to be truthful with you about how she really is feeling. If she continues to have these thoughts, I suggest professional counselling to explore underlying causes to arrive at a more complete mental health assessment. We also have to keep in mind that carrying too much responsibility and worry about your friend could be detrimental to your own mental health.