THE COMMONWEALTH BID
With the 2022 Commonwealth triathlons set to take place near Brunty Towers, Martyn’s on a mission to make his presence known
“I reckon I’d stand a decent chance of getting into the top three in Vanuatu”
Excitement reigns in the Brunty household this month following the announcement that one of the biggest international triathlons in the world is, like my local Indian takeaway, bringing sweaty pleasure right to my doorstep. I refer, of course, to the fact that the venue for the 2022 Commonwealth Games triathlons has been unveiled as Sutton Park, which is a mere sprint tri away from Brunty Towers.
So now that the path round Sutton Park is to become the second-most hotly contested strip of tarmac in the area after the parking spaces outside the local Waitrose, the question is, how can I get involved? It isn’t every day that one of the biggest events in the international tri calendar comes within swimming distance of my house, so there must be something I can do to end up being part of it. So far I’ve come up with the following:
1 QUALIFY TO RACE
A long shot I’ll grant you, particularly as my current commitment to training is so small you’d need to search for it using the Hubble telescope. But rather than putting any effort into any actual training, I was thinking more of applying for citizenship of some of the more remote parts of the Commonwealth. I reckon I’d stand a decent chance of getting into the top three in places like Vanuatu, Kiribati, Tonga or, my favourite option, The Gambia, a place I once visited where I handsomely won a swimming race in a hotel pool against a load of fat Russians.
2 VOLUNTEER
My best bet is to become a ‘games-maker’. However I’m concerned that my past record as a marshal may come back to haunt me because I haven’t always performed my duties as diligently as I might. I have in fact only ever marshalled twice: The first time was in a local tri where I spent all morning sitting at a junction on the bike course and, being bored, wrote a certain fourletter word in large letters on the back of my clipboard which I held up to a few of my mates who were racing, causing several near crashes. The second time was at my cycling club’s weekly time-trial where I stood on the roadside and, being bored, dropped my trousers and mooned some of the riders as they passed, causing several near crashes. Neither event has asked me back.
3 BECOME A COMMENTATOR
I know Graham Bell’s got the gig for describing the action, but I reckon the coverage would be considerably livened up by some observations from a local expert summariser such as myself, delivered in my distinctive regional accent. How much more fun would it be for worldwide viewers to be treated to gems like: “Looks loike Joady Stimpson’s ‘avin some trouble with ‘er boyke” or “Them spectators need get out the rowud”.
4 GET ON THE TELLY
As anyone who watches the Tour de France knows, there are plenty of vacancies for the position of ‘tiresome knobhead who runs alongside the cyclists’. I’ve never fully understood this activity because although the attention-seekers who do it are getting their five minutes of fame, it’s five minutes of people all over the world saying ‘Look at that tit’. But, in the interests of making sure local triathlon is represented at the Games, I’m willing to give it a go and try and run alongside the leaders and see how long I can keep up (prediction: about 90secs).
5 JUST WATCH IT LIVE
I know how to get there, I know where the best spots to watch are and I speak the language so I could just get together with some mates, take a long cycle over, watch the races, and then embark on a highly competitive ride back, sprinting for road signs.
I’m not a betting man but I’d say the last one is the bookies’ favourite. So should I fail to secure a spot as the third-best triathlete in Lesotho then you’ll instead find me perched on the roadside somewhere near the Four Oaks pub celebrating the carnival of international triathlon. Unless it’s raining of course, in which case I’ll just watch it on the telly.